😎 Used Bathwater and Brad Pitt

The fountain of youth is not something you need to seek out, or buy, it’s within you, like Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz famously said,

You’ve always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself

— Glinda, The Wizard of Oz

And I did. I figured out a way to automatically look twenty years younger…When looking in the mirror, never wear your glasses. I swear to God it works. You literally can’t see anything. No fine lines, no eye bags, no nothing, but blurry perfection.

The other day, while leaving the bathroom I glanced at the mirror, I was stunned, like, am I in high school? This is insane! Glasses on…drop me at the nursing home. Glasses off, I can still get pregnant. Beauty is all in the eye of the beholder and I’m choosing to be the beholder without glasses. So, line up construction workers, because you're about to whistle big time! You're welcome, I just saved you a billion dollars on overpriced creams and unnecessary injections with this one simple rule…glasses off.

Now I can't see, so glasses back on and let's get into all the things I wish I hadn't seen, but we need to discuss…

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Useless Thoughts

KRIS JENNER bought a new head. Not her first, obviously she’s purchased many over the years, but this new one, wow, she really looks amazing! Like, seriously really good, really young, well not young, it's more like, hmm, there’s almost not a word yet for it, and there needs to be, because these folks don’t look young per say, and they don’t look old either, they look “other than” almost like a completely new species. Kim Kardashian doesn't look young and neither does Khloe, and even Kylie, who is young, doesn't look young. With the smooth pulled skin, little noses, and big huge oversized lips. And, it's not just a Kardashian thing, it’s a celebrity thing. Take a look at Lauren Sanchez’s latest head? Again, she doesn't look younger or older just “other than”. I’ll never judge though, it's your face, do with it what you want, or try my “glasses off” solution. It’s bandage free.🤕

Speaking of “other than” BRAD PITT’S new GQ cover is very confusing. He doesn't look like himself at all and that should be considered a crime. They put him in some crazy outfit, he’s dirty with an odd expression. You’re Brad Pitt, just be Brad Pitt. The endless frantic news headlines about the GQ interview all screamed, BRAD FINALLY BREAKS HIS SILENCE on his divorce from ANGELINA. And this is what he said, better sit down for this riveting quote, ready…. He doesn't view it as a major event, but rather “something coming to fruition. Legally.” That’s it. That’s all he said. Thanks for nothing! 😴

When TRUMP’S not pardoning Reality TV criminals, he’s being triggered by tacos. No not the delish kind, but the TACO coined by Financial Times commentator Robert Armstrong, who introduced the phrase meaning, TRUMP ALWAYS CHICKENS OUT, referring to tariffs, and how he always ends up backing down. When Trump was asked by a reporter about the TACO comment he got very angry, used his typical, you’re nasty line, and we all learned in that moment, a new way to get under his skin. Folks should flood his social media with taco emojis 🌮 and gifs!

No tacos in sight at ELON MUSK’S goodbye party. His work here is done. He took a big shit on America, left before he could wipe, hopped in his key scratched cybertruck, lifted his heil Hitler arm and “waved” goodbye. Leaving skid marks! The gross kind.💩 Driving off to colonize Mars! Whatever man, just go!

Speaking of men who suck, sexy SYDNEY SWEENEY has teamed up with Dr. Squatch Soap Co. and is selling her used bath water, in the form of a Bathwater Bliss bar, (whatever the fuck that is) it comes complete with a certificate confirming it’s made with the very water she bathed in, as well as some outdoorsy notes (whatever the fuck that means) in a nod to her Pacific Northwest roots? I guess a bunch of guys were messaging her asking for her dirty water? And this is why men suck. I’m sorry, but you’re all just gross! Gross! Gross! Gross!

Women can be gross too! Like BRIGITTE MACRON. Who was a 39-year old married mother of three, drama teacher, when she fell in love with her little 15-year old student Emmanuel. Gross! Did you see the way she Elaine Benes shoved him?

But she did it to his face! Oww! Abuse! Abuser! Clearly she’s a little Diddy! Gross!

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And Finally…

So much TV to discuss and watch! Yay! I love you TV, you rock my world! Come here TV. I want to kiss you! Oh, let me wrap my arms around you TV you’re just so precious! Things I couldn't live without? Oxygen, food, TV, bed, and love. In that order! TV you’re in my top 3! Rockstar!

Okay, let's get into it! Sirens, stars Julianne Moore, Meghan Fehay, Milly Alcock and Kevin Bacon, on Netflix (watch here). I was excited for this one. The previews made it seem magical, mysterious, mystical, maybe crazy like The Stepford Wives… it's not. It’s literally just a five episode show about sisters. The writing in the first episode was so bad I was embarrassed, and wasn't sure if I would continue, and then I did, and it got so good! Great writing, great acting, just so fun, loved it! Five episodes and you’re done. And that’s it we’re good! Don't bring it back, we’re so good!

Sarah Silverman’s standup special PostMortem on Netflix (watch here). I finally watched and I LOVED! It’s not just funny, but relatable and very moving! It’s a little different than her usual shock vagina jokes comedy, and honestly, and I’m being VERY honest, I never was a real fan. Her baby voice was always a HUGE problem for me and standups about sex and private parts and anal, bore me. But after this special, I kinda fell in love with her. Give it a watch. Let me know your thoughts!

I owe The Studio a little apology. I really didn't like it, and found it ridiculous and yet I still watched and I’m glad I did, because the final two episodes were really good! You get to see a funny side to Zoe Kravitz and some other guest stars and Brian Cranston really can do no wrong. The guy is brilliant and the second I saw that he was on this show, I should have known to just be patient. There were truly a couple of laugh out line scenes. (watch here)

HBO’s Pee-wee as Himself, a two part documentary series on Pee Herman’s Paul Reuben. It’s fascinating and beautiful and he really was a genius and it’s so sad that he’s gone. This documentary is a great reminder of what a one-of-a-kind talent he truly was! (watch here)

Nine Perfect Strangers Season 2. So far two episodes are out and I’m enjoying just as much as I did the first season, once you get past Nicole Kidman’s face! Ouch! Her lips and mouth? Weird, but whatever, her choice!😬 Another great cast, and I have no idea what’s going to happen, and don't really care, it's just fun TV distraction from reality, which is such a gift right now, and why TV is in my top three of most important! (watch here)

I know I said I was going to write about how Hollywood is like high school this week, but I’ve been super busy working on a big expose on that topic, for The New York Times. Just kidding! The New York Times sucks. Just kidding, just sucks sometimes. I promise, next week I will get to it… And if you’re looking for a special gift, I’ll be gathering up my used bath water, and mixing it with my spit from brushing my teeth and bottling it up for you and your loved ones.

DM me for pricing!

Until next time folks!

And sorry you can't unread this! 😜

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I Genuinely Want to Know

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