š Such a Slow Burn
I have to go to the bathroomā¦said Cory Booker and me. I know I know everyone is talking about whether Cory wore a diaper? (I would have) How did he stand and talk for 25 hours without going to the bathroom? Thatās not the point! Okay, but how did he do it? Turns out he stopped eating on Friday night and stopped drinking on Saturday, so that by Monday heād be empty. There are so many things about that story that blows my mind! First not eating; wait what? I can hardly go ten minutes without sticking something in my piehole. Whether it be a Starbust or a mozzarella-tomato sandwich, something is always going inā¦ Iāll leave the jokes on you to fill in the blanks there, my pervy little followers, but seriously, I spend half my life thinking about what I want to eat next! Yes, next! But even worse than the food, is having to go to the bathroom 24/7. Or at least feeling like I have to go to the bathroom 24/7. Talking myself into the thought of having to go to the bathroom. The second I know Iām leaving the house; I have to go to the bathroom. The second I pull out of my driveway; I have to go to the bathroom. The second I walk into a store; I have to go to the bathroom. The second I finally get into bed; I have to go to the bathroom. The second I leave the bathroom; I have to go to the bathroom.
Just writing the word bathroom makes my bladder fill up! TMI? Maybe? But isn't 2025 all about too much information? In fact, TMZ should change their name to TMI! I have five seconds before I have to go to the bathroom again, so let's get into the TMIā¦
Useless Thoughts
How did y'all spend your Liberation Day? You know Wednesday, the day TRUMP announced the Tariffs, calling it Liberation Day? Don't look at me, heās the one who said it! I celebrated by watching the stock market crash, and my 401(k) whittled down to almost nothing! Psyche! Just kidding, I already used up my 401(k)! Ha ha jokes on you Trump, Iām already poor and have no money or hope!š©
Influencer MEGHAN MARKLEāS shop is now open! And sheās already sold out of her $28 jars of honey, $14 jams, $12 teas and $15 dried flowers within an hour. But the skeptics out there are claiming it's Limited Edition, meaning not many products were available, like maybe five jars? Who knows? I do know sheās very tricky with her words, for instance she did a post celebrating, in shock and happiness, that her Netflix show was picked up for a second season, when in reality it was already shot and contractually built in. All this tells me that Meghan is really good at tricking people, using āalternate facts.ā So, it turns out she really is good at somethingā¦being a spin doctor! š¼ Little miss little miss canāt be wrong!š¼
JUSTIN BIEBER needs help! Watching him crashing on TikTok is so depressing and it's so obvious heās screaming for help! I fear heās going to hurt himself. Between Selena Gomezās new love album and the Diddy stuff, which one could only imagine the trauma he suffered as a child under Diddyās roof, with no parent there to protect his innocence, makes it super sad! I know heās an adult now and a father, but that doesn't take away from the fact that heās seriously Fād up and needs help! I don't want to read some heartbreaking headline when weāre all aware right now. Someone, anyone swoop in, please, before it's too late! š¢
Speaking of crashing on TIKTOKā¦Supposedly TikTok is being shut down in a couple of days, and maybe thatās a good thing. Like Iāve written before, TikTok is a drug! Just as bad as a needle you inject, or a pipe you smoke. It robs you of your day, your life. Itās as addicting as crack! Just one hit and youāre hooked! Once you start, you can't stop. The minute you put your phone down, your body feels like itās in withdrawal, you begin to shake, you need it, so you pick your phone back up and boom, just like that five hours are gone and youāve accomplished nothing and youāre left with only shame and depression. Which reminds me of a quote;
Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside.
ā Unknown
And TikTok is free. You donāt need money, you don't need to lie or steal to get your drug. The only stealing happening is my one and only precious life. So go, go away TikTok. Youāre tick- tocking the hours away. Go!
Speaking of wasting time, ELON MUSK, maybe, hopefully, is finally going away and is being pushed out of his role of ruining working Americansā lives. Hereās a funny story. Remember when we were like Elonās a genius, the richest man in the world?! He invented electric cars? Nope! He just bought Tesla. He invented Twitter? Nope, just bought it and turned it into a cesspool of proud flamboyant antisemitism and racism. Maybe he invented spaceships, nope, he just buys them. So, what did this genius inventor make? Nothing. Turns out heās not a scientist, not an inventor of anything! Heās definitely very rich, but so is Putin, and so was Jeffrey Epstein. And just like TikTok, heās wasting our time and ruining our lives, and needs to go away! Go!
Speaking of geniuses, I just watched CHELSEA HANDLERāS stand up special, The Feeling on Netflix (watch here) and it was so damn funny! Iām constantly forgetting how much I love her, because her online persona can be annoying and aggressive, and then I see her standup and Iām reminded that she is truly the real deal. Itās not just another stand up special, itās quality material un like, ugh I hate to put down women, so I wonāt say her name but it rhymes with Mamy Schmumer, whose last few standups I had turn off because she forgot to make them funny. Thatās right I said it! But back to Chelsea, the first 20 minutes of her stand up is a lot to take in, but it gets real good quick! Stay with it!
And Finallyā¦
WHITE LOTUS FINALE! WHITE LOTUS FINALE! Who is going to die? How many people will die? How will they die?! Ahhhhh I can't take it. The show is such a slow burn! At first, youāre like it's almost boring, and then by the time itās near to being over, I feel like I can't live without it and Iām devastated that it's ending! Living for Sunday and also don't want it to come because it's all over! So now until Sunday, with the news aside, it kinda feels like Christmas Eve. What present will be under the tree? Honestly, I don't want anyone to die. But I think I feel that way every season. Last week's episode when Laurie (Carrie Coon) was in bed with the Russian, and he turns to her and asks for money, and then she climbs out the windowā¦ dying, so funny, so good!! Another genius cast for the books! And Sunday, another season for the books! I love you Sunday! I hate you Sunday! Awww Sunday, don't let me down!
Until next time!
Sorry you can't unread this!
I Genuinely Want to Know
Solution? TikTok toilet time