đ I Saw Jesus at Trader Joe's
Growing up my Jewish family celebrated all the holidays. Passover, Hanukkah, but also the fun ones, like Christmas and Easter. No, no, not the Jesus part, (obviously) but just celebrated the Hallmark version. Kinda like on St. Patrick's Day, the way everyone celebrates whether youâre Irish or not, you might find yourself falling out of a bar onto the pavement, eventually throwing up on the sidewalk, crying the words, Iâll never drink again! So yes, weâd have a tree and yes, we got Easter baskets. It's funny how it's the negative memories that can really stick out. Just like the comment section on a post, you can have a million that say youâre so funny, I love you, but that one and only comment that says you suck, sticks with you, follows you around for the day and maybe even the rest of your life.
Like Iâve said, I have eczema, and it was horrible and unmanageable when I was a kid. My most vivid Easter memory is, ta-da, the negative one. Trying to figure out all the things that made my eczema flare up, my Mom thought: maybe itâs milk chocolate. So, on that Easter, my little scratchy self ran down the stairs to a basket filled with jellybeans and a WHITE CHOCOLATE Bunny! I thought, what the hell is that? White chocolate (to me) has an aftertaste, like a diet soda, or a yogurt. I sat there depressed with my white bunny, unable to find the motivation to even hunt for eggs. Day ruined! Turns out Iâm NOT allergic to milk chocolate and my thighs can prove that. But more importantly, Happy Easter!
And honestly with the world as of late, seeing Jesus resurrected wouldnât even shock me. In fact, I could have sworn I saw him online at Trader Joeâs stocking up on the Mini tote bags that are back in stock. But besides Easter, what else is going on? Let's get into itâŚ
Useless Thoughts
HARVARD is pushing back. Thank goodness someone has some balls! Harvard is not just the best college in America, but also the entire world. Thatâs why everyone on planet earth, from every country wants to come here and go to Harvard. The saddest part about all of this is not that Trump is pretending it's because of antisemitism, because if that were the case he would take on white supremacists and hate groups that are standing right in front of him, right beside him. We all know he just wants to stick it to the woke Left. The saddest part is EVERYONE loses, the Left and Right. Just cancer alone, we all know or love someone with cancer, whether Republican or Democrat. Harvard has the best scientists in the world, yes world, the best brains in the universe working on medical research, terminal illnesses and theyâre literally saving lives for all. These folks are doing what private industries wonât do. Trump cutting off funding for cancer research, etc. to combat antisemitism makes zero sense, and is not true and it's upsetting. And yes, Iâm really disappointed in the way these elite colleges have handled the disturbing protests, but this cancelling lifesaving research is the most devastating thing to come out of all of this. And today another mass school shooting. If he really wants to help our kids? Get rid of fucking guns! Upside down world! Iâm done! đ¤Ż
Speaking of space cadets, name a publicity stunt that horribly backfired? Iâll go first! Blue Origin launches ALL-FEMALE CREW into space! This might be the funniest story of the week. Not that they went to space. Not that it cost over 50 million dollars to send them to space for five seconds, but that it was the âastronautsâ themselves that caused all of the backlash. All of their quotes about going to space, ready?
Gayle King, who took issue with people dismissing the mission manned by an all-female crew, calling it a mere âride,â She said, âYou never see a man, a male astronaut whoâs going up in space and they say, âOh he took a ride.â Itâs always referred to as a flight or a journeyâŚI wish people would do more due diligence. And then my question is, have yâall been to Space?â
I have a rebuttal, Gayle! Youâre not an astronaut. This isn't a male/female thing (nice try). And no, I haven't been to space and itâs not even on my list of things I care about. You know what is? Saving the Earth!
Katy Perry, âI feel super connected to love. I think this experience has shown me how much love is inside of you and how much love you have to give, and how loved you are until the day you launch.â Oh Katy, I have a rebuttal. Most people will never launch, so saying youâll never know love until you launch, just makes me think you might not know what love is? Because it has nothing, and I mean nothing to do with going on Jeff Bezosâ penis rocket.
Lauren Sanchez said to the naysayers, âTrust me. Come with me to Blue Origin. Iâll show you what this is about, and itâs really eye-opening.â Lauren!!! I have a rebuttal! Originally, I assumed that the whole point of all of this was to educate us on space travel and why it's important for the planet and what goes into it and why we need it? But you forgot to show us that part. You all did. We saw nothing but flying hair extensions and sexy tight body suits. We learned nothing about the employees and what they do, and why they are doing this, so to us Earthlings it appeared to be just a ârideâ into space. Yes Gayle, a ride!
Enough with the gaslighting. You know you did it just for your own personal pleasure, so just own it. Do I think they should all be cancelled like the internet wants? No! Who cares! Like all the memes say, let them eat cake, theyâre all just ridiculous, harmless fools. đ
Speaking of ridiculous fools, TIME Magazine came out with their list of the 100 most influential people of 2025, and just like that, all credibility that TIME might have had to represent the press, and the importance of real news, and true reporting, just blew up like a spacecraft engineered by astronauts Gayle & Katy. With Blake Lively and Meghan Markle on top of their 100 list? Printing content paid by celebrities is embarrassing. Especially when we finally have some Republicans being honest, like Lisa Murkowski, telling a room full of Alaska nonprofit leaders, discussing the nightmare tariff situation that sheâs âoftentimes very anxious about using my voice, because retaliation is real.â Thatâs why we need TIME Magazine to ONLY tell us the truth, to only report the REAL news, true journalism, now more than ever and not fill our Easter baskets with a bunch of bullshit.đ°
Which reminds me of a quote;
We don't go into journalism to be popular. It is our job to seek the truth and put constant pressure on our leaders until we get answers.
â Helen Thomas, long-serving member of the White House press corp
And FinallyâŚ
If youâre not watching Your Friends and Neighbors on Apple TV+ (watch here) you should start now. A dark comedy! So glad to have a new show! It's so delicious! Nothing better than watching a show that makes fun of the country club elite while weâre simultaneously watching a bunch of Marie Antoinettes going to space? Love having Jon Hamm back on my screen. The whole cast is great. Itâs a billion times better than The Studio, which was touted as the funniest show of the year? Hunh? How is that possible when it's really not? But watch a couple of the episodes of Your Friends and Neighbors and let me know what you think. And please take care, it's really crazy out there. I mean I thought it was crazy last time Trump was potus, but this time itâs CRAZY, all caps with a hundred exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Until next time!
And sorry you can't unread this!
I Genuinely Want to Know
Funny you say. The only time Iâm at peace these days is when Iâm at Trader Joeâs!
Blue Origin flight - look up âtone deafâ in the dictionaryâŚ.