Everyone in my family went to college. Everyone but one lil baby of the familyā¦me. Well, I went for a year. But It just didn't work out. Not having my parents screaming at me every morning to get up and show up, turned out to be very tricky. Why get up when you can sleep in? Beds are so cozy! I thought, Iām good, Iāll just stay here. I had a T.V. in my room which was perfect for doing nothing. Soap operas became my classes, 1:00 All My Children; 2:00 One Life to Live; 3:00 General Hospital. My professors were Luke & Laura. When my folks found out I wasn't going to class, they showed up at school unannounced and threw all my stuff in the car, and we all drove home in silence. The next morning, I woke up to my Dad screaming, I had to get a job today! Not tomorrow, not in a week, but today. I did. And have been working ever since.
Basically, Iām Gwyneth Paltrow. Did you know she only went to college for a year. Twinsies! The difference, when she dropped out of college she applied for a job as a movie star, while I applied for a job as a receptionist. Wah Wah. Do you hear the cries? Yep, it's a nepo baby!
Thereās a new book out, Gwyneth, The Biography, and from the delicious stories Iām reading, even Gwyneth Paltrow would have to take a bite! Like when she was dating Brad Pitt, she felt he wasn't sophisticated enough for her. She thought she was smarter, better educated (Brad graduated college just fyi). āBrad and I have very different upbringingsā she told an interviewer, āSo when we go to restaurants and order caviar, I have to say to Brad, āThis is beluga and this is osetraā š¤® And Brad giggled in his high chair! š¬
But turns out Gwyneth is a really good actress. Even in life, she gives off this educated persona 24/7 but is it all just an act? Youād think she had a million degrees from every ivy league school, but no, just one year at University of California in Santa Barbara, apparently majoring in caviar.
Or maybe itās not an act and Gwyneth is super-duper smart. Which begs the question, are you considered dumb if you didn't go to college? Iām curious. Asking for a friend?
Speaking of dumb. So much dumb happening this week, letās get into itā¦
Useless Thoughts
DON DUMB DUMB JR. partnered up with GrabAGun, which heās promoting as the āAmazon of gunsā and it just went public under the ticker symbol āPEW.ā Oh Joy! Just what the kids need, more guns! Don't look at me, I didn't vote for this administration. This non college graduate voted for less guns. But what do I know, Iām not educated.
Speaking of education, the Senate approves Trumpās demand that they claw back $9 billion in previously approved funds for Foreign Aid and Public Broadcasting, like PBS that teaches children how to read, to be a good person, to care about others, while simultaneously dismantling the department of education. Hallelujah! Not only are we cutting off free education to toddlers but weāre also cutting off all aid to all babies starving all over the world. Yay! If you voted for Trump, you must feel so good right now knowing that babies are dying everywhere! You did it! Congrats!
20% of LGBTQ+ youth reported attempting suicide in the past year. And great news for Republican voters, the Trump administration just ended the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifelineās specialized services for the LGBTQ+ youth community! Congratulations, more dead kids. Even better, gay kids. The wins keep coming!
Speaking of someone who triggers me and should have watched more Sesame Street, WILL SMITH has new music out. Some of the lyrics;
āIām the illestā
āif you talking crazy out your face up on the stage and disrespect me on the stage, expect me on the stageā
Hmm, so basically heās doubling down. Literally I can't see Will Smithās face now without feeling sick. And still can't get over the fact that he wasn't thrown out of the theater the second he punched Chris. The whole situation was disgusting. And the standing ovation when he won his stupid Oscars, with the snot pouring from his nose and the crazy look in his eyes? And now hearing he didn't learn from his mistake? Which reminds me of a quote:
The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
ā John Powell, author
93% of immigrants currently being detained have no violent criminal convictions. 68% have no criminal record whatsoever. As a reminder itās a misdemeanor to be in the country without government approval. A misdemeanor, like a parking ticket. Imagine being ripped from your family and shipped to Alligator Alcatraz for a parking ticket. Have you ever gotten a parking ticket? I have. After I left college. Iād get tickets all the time and just shove them in my bag. Hoping theyād just poof disappear. Instead, the fee would double. A letter would be sent to the house with like ten parking tickets doubled, for my cutie Dad to open. God I was exhausting!
I spoke about the Epstein list last week and figured with the crazy news cycles, just one week would feel like a whole year had passed, but not this story. MAGA is on fire. Theyāre not letting this go. What are they deaf? Their King spoke and he said, blame Obama! Whaaaa? What does that even mean? And poor Q-Anon, still waiting for JFK jr. to arrive on a horse, shirtless carrying the Epstein Files. Look Iām no college graduate but this level of stupidity makes me almost Einstein, hence the caviar knowledge.
And Finallyā¦
The Emmy nominations are out (see here) and while youāre not watching America implode, I bet you saw some of the nominees give great award winning performances. Iām happy with so many of them. Severance Yes! I want Brit Lower (Helly) to win! Tramell Tillman (Milchick) oh I hope he wins! The Studio! Sure! Zoe Kravitz and Brian Cranston, hope they win! Only Murders! Yes! The White Lotus! Yes! You all deserve to win! Enough with Hacks! Itās good but not winning-every-year-in-a-row good. But really who I hope wins is Jimmy Kimmel for late night talk show! The fact that annoying Jon Stewart and The Daily Show win every year or silly Stephen Colbert (sorry you got canceled š), I can't with that. Give it to Jimmy! What the Fuck? Give it to Jimmy! His show is consistently great! His monologues are laugh out loud funny while putting himself in the line of fire of the President of the United States, calling out his bullshit daily while fighting for health care for every single American. Heās the only one doing this! Reward him God damn it! Give him the stupid oversized gold paper weight! Do it! Now! Now! Now!
And sorry you can't unread this!
Everything in this newsletter is intended as satire.
Omg and to think I couldnāt think Gwyneth wasnāt nauseating enough before knowing this!!! š¤¦š¼āāļøš„“