😎 Brad in Polyester

The world has gone mad! Everyone is waiting with bated breath each day, for what’s going to happen next. Pregnant women being deported, children being deported, fathers on Father’s Day being deported. Minnesota lawmakers shot in their homes. Iran, Israel, World War 3? How can I make you all feel safe? Make you laugh? Break this spell of horribleness? I know, I’ll tell you about the past couple of weeks, and this will def lighten the mood…

So…my Mom died (please hold in the laughter until finishing reading).

I’ve never watched someone take their last breath before. But because I missed my Dad’s (and my sister will let you know that she was there and wears it like a badge, and as annoying as that is, I’m actually glad she was awake by his side), this was not going to be the case with my mother. My siblings and I all took shifts. She had not eaten or drank in over five days, and unlike Ozempic, we knew this meant she was ready to go, and not to an awards show in a now size zero gown. We put a mattress on her floor, so we could sleep with her and be there no matter what time, to make sure her hand was held, and she could hear our voices, our admiration, our gratefulness, our love for our dear precious Mom. Except I never slept. If I even closed my eyes. I might miss it, and that just felt so unfair to her, that I might be snoring while she was dying.

But I couldn't sit in the chair anymore, hunched over, holding her hand, my neck now so messed up from days of this awkward position. I needed to lay down. This waiting to watch her die had been going on for a week and my body needed to be horizontal. So, on the floor I went, to the stained mattress covered in our quilts and straightened my neck and looked around and noticed the dust under the dresser and thought about taking some of her morphine.

I could hear her breathing. I listened for each breath. Sleep wasn’t an option. They say that most people either pass in the middle of the night or super early in the morning. We’d start our day at 5am, get a coffee and just wait. Then at 5pm, my brothers and sister and I, hands on her, surrounding her bed, showering her with gratitude and love, we all watched together, as she took her last breath. And with that, she just achieved the hardest part of life…death.

Thanks Mom! I love you, forever.

Everyone loved my gorgeous, funny, smart, loving Mom!

I used to always say, I’m so glad my Dad is dead because he wouldn't be able to handle the news and would be so sad each day, but upon reflection, I realize that both my parents lived through, World War 2, the Holocaust, McCarthyism, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Civil Rights, Vietnam, the cold war, the Korean War, and disco.

In a lifetime there is always shit happening and they made it through, and it gives me hope that we will now too….

So, let's get into the shit…

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Useless Thoughts

Will he, won't he. Will TRUMP get America involved in getting rid of Iran’s nuclear bomb capabilities? I hope he doesn’t. But let me make something very clear, I feel just as sorry for Israelis as I do anyone with a leader that’s gone rogue. I don't hold Israeli citizens responsible for any war. It’s the leader who needs to be held accountable. Just like I don't blame YOU for families being separated and deported. Imagine YOU personally being held accountable, and blamed on every platform, with never ending cruel comments for all of Trump's actions? Every time he opened his mouth and said and did something, that was on YOU? That would be just weird. So please keep that in mind, always.

ELON MUSK keeps taking drug tests and showing the results to prove that he is not on drugs. Right, because we all know folks don’t cheat on tests. But I’ll take your word for it, Elon, just like your other words like, Trump should be impeached. Also, aren't we all over Elon. That was so three weeks ago. It was as if it was all just a horrible spastic jumping dream.

Forget human leaders destroying the world, I think soon, we’re going to have a much bigger problem, AI. I just read a guy got engaged to his ChatGPT, and get this, he’s already married. Typical dude!! Rumor has it we’re all fucked! There'll be no jobs for anyone in ten years. I just told ChatGPT I was a writer. Its response…Bahahahahahaha! I got to give it to my ChatGPT, it’s pretty funny. Is yours? I asked if it was Team Aniston or Jolie? Team Aniston it said, followed by a duh?! Cutie ChatGPT get on top of me!

But seriously there is some AI stuff that I can't look away from. In particular, videos of Glass Fruit Slicing (watch here). The look, the sounds, I’m obsessed. Don't ask me to explain why, I can't. I just know while watching them, I feel so satisfied!

In celeb news, BRAD PITT and girlfriend INES DE RAMON stepped out all over the place promoting his new F1 film, which clearly is going to be a HUGE hit! But every time I see her my brain starts singing, 🎼 They tried to make me go to rehab I said No no no!

It’s like he’s walking around with Amy Winehouse, and I can't unsee it. But more importantly what the hell in the polyester weirdo look is this?⏬ So not hot!

Speaking of not hot, RYAN REYNOLDS is at Cannes. I thought we cancelled him? Why is there a microphone in his hand? Why is he on a stage? Can we go just one fucking week without having to see his ugly head? Make him stop! Can’t he be deported? He is Canadian after all.

MEGHAN MARKLE continues on her podcast interviews tour, selling victimhood. Still talking about six years ago when someone told her NO. Imagine, with everything everyone is going through she’s still complaining about how the British press said she likes avocados, or how she couldn't wear sleeveless dresses, or the tiara she wanted, or post sexy dancing videos. How did she make it through such suffering? 🤪

Which reminds me of a quote…

The victim mindset dilutes the human potential. By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them. Selfish people also tend to have victim mindsets…Their actions plant seeds of loneliness; then they cry upon the blooming.

— Steve Maraboli

Speaking of virtue signaling, little miss sunshine GRETA THUNBERG, captained a ship to Gaza. Knowing the rules of the world that it’s illegal to enter a war zone, she still did it, and when she was stopped, claimed she was “kidnapped” and held “hostage” before being fed and sent home.

Greta’s so annoying she’s that person that stops over your house unannounced, and you quickly turn off all the lights, everyone hides and pretends no one is home! Like a kid at your door with a clipboard. Shhhhh! No one make a sound, and they’ll just go away.

Where will her self-righteous personality sail to next? Let me guess, Iran? She could have sailed to Gaza, or Iran to help the people there who live under horrific terrorist regimes, with zero rights, before the wars, and gotten right in with her “selfie yacht” (and probably then murdered) but still she could have given the help she so desperately cares about. Oh right, she didn't care about them until Israel was involved. Same with TUCKER CARLSON. All of a sudden he’s so against war (which who isn't) but when it’s not Israel, oh boy he’s all giddy and supports Putin invading Ukraine! Remember that when you hear Tucker quotes now. And remember, Russia and Iran are like peas & carrots and remember what Putin’s birthday is, yep, October 7th.

Okay I’m done giving you my, “I can’t unsee the hypocrisy” lecture!

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And Finally…

I’ll finish with what I’ve been watching and feel you should be too…

Stick on AppleTV+ (watch here)

A feel good funny show, with vibes similar to Ted Lasso. While you're watching your’e happy. Owen Wilson gives off such mellow, kind, laid back energy, you can't help but adopt the feelings. It’s literally what we all need right now. So if you’re looking for a break and just want to feel normal for 30 minutes, I highly recommend this show!

Until next time folks!

And sorry you can't unread this!

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Everything in this newsletter is intended as satire.