đ A Billion Pounds of Laundry
On Wednesday I was an empty nester, and today, everyoneâs back home, under one roof with a billion pounds of laundry sitting in our entryway. Yay! Bags of clothes, sheets, blankets, etc. âMom, I mixed the clean clothes with the dirty clothes, and kinda smushed them all into the bags, so I think everything should just be washed.â Alrighty! I can't take it. I can't look at it. I can't wait. Yes, everyone is exhausted from the long, traffic-filled ride home, weâll just leave it all and do it this weekend. Thatâs what a normal person would say, or think, but not meeeee. I take all the bags down to the laundry room and start loading up the washing machine at midnight. You should really let the kids do the laundry themselves; it will help them be more independent. Yeah, Iâm good. I need my entry way clean.
First load, my sonâs ridiculously huge comforter. I stuff that thing into the washing machine, pushing the lid closed with all my might, Iâm gonna get that fucker in no matter what. Got it!
Cut to, five minutes later, the whole house is shaking, the basement smells like burning rubber, my husband comes flying down the stairs screaming, âWTF!â We pull the insanely large comforter out of the machine, soaking wet, now weighing five million pounds and try to transfer it into a large contractor bag. As he holds the bag open, I try to move the comforter into the bag but canât because Iâm laughing too hard. My mouth wide open, shaking with hysterical glee at the absurdity of the situation, with him watching me all cranky contemplating divorce. We finally do it, and then drag the comforter like a dead body to the car and bring to a laundromat.
This week has been one long dirty laundry list, let's get into itâŚ.
Useless Thoughts
Letâs just start with DIDDY, to get it over with, because itâs so bad. Cassie, his ex, has been testifying in court this week, revealing the endless torture, beatings, and blackmail and it was beyond horrifying! The only takeaway, I can't believe how many people knew of his dreadful, sick twisted behavior and sat by and continued to celebrate and feed this monster. They should just give Puff Daddy the Menendez brothersâ sentence, lock him up forever, and set the heartbreaking sexually abused brothers, by their evil father (that they murdered, rightfully so) free! Bam! There! Fixed it!
Yesterday during a House hearing, ROBERT KENNEDY JR., Americaâs Health Secretary was asked hypothetically if he would vaccinate his children today for measles. He responded, and I quote, âProbablyâ but added, âI don't think people should be taking medical advice from me.â Hello??? But youâre the one in charge of health now you fucking useless piece of shit! Speaking of shit, he just took his grandkids swimming in fecal matter, literally. Submerged himself under water in D.C.âs Rock Creek despite a long-standing warning that high bacteria, infectious pathogens make swimming in this water a hazard to human health! Washington D.C has banned swimming there for over 50 years because of widespread contamination. Afterwards they ate hot dogs, Dachshunds he grilled on the barbeque, and then they went out to play kickball on the freeway. Later when he tucked them all into bed, he jumped in the middle, shirtless and in jeans, surrounded by precious little children with their innocent eyes blinking back at him, and with his famous soothing voice read them a bedtime storyâŚMein Kampf.
Original Sin, the new book from JAKE TAPPER, is an investigative account of PRESIDENT BIDENâS decline, its cover-up, and his disastrous choice to run again, and why we now have to call the orange man POTUS again! Ugh! So annoying! We all knew this! All you needed was eyes and ears to know that Biden needed to sit this one out. I guess they were trying to do whatever it would take to save the world, ummm, country, but let's be honest, the world. They waited way too long to pull him. Whereâs Biden now? Probably being tucked into bed by a shirtless RFK Jr. And whereâs Trump? In the Middle East playing with his 400 million dollar Qatari airplane gift. Someone please wake me up whenâŚactually donât wake me, just call me Sleepy Julie.
Which reminds me of a quoteâŚ
The nicest thing for me is sleep. Then at least I can dream.
â Marilyn Monroe
When Homeland Security Secretary KRISTI NOEM isnât shooting dogs (for RFK Jrâs dinner) or rounding up scared immigrants and deporting them to prisons, sheâs coming up with horrible ideas! Ready? Sheâs pushing for a new reality T.V. show pitting immigrants against each other âfor the honor of fast-tracking their way to U.S. citizenship.â I know the Maga party's fantasy is to go back in time, hate progress, science, human rights and dignity, I just didn't realize they meant far back like gladiator days? So yes, maybe Joe Biden was half asleep, forgetful and maybe even senile, but he still would have been better than this group of clowns. Never been a fan of clowns⌠or dog murderers.
Speaking of fans, never been one of SALMA HAYEK. Sheâs not a good actress. Sorry, but sheâs not. She doesn't have a funny bone in her sexy little body. For some odd reason sheâs always cast in comedies. Beautiful and annoying and never funny. And her friendships are just as odd as her zero comedic timing. Besties with Angelia Jolie and now Blake Lively, just as the news dropped that Blake threatened Taylor Swift to support her or else⌠I bet she has Amber Heard on speed dial and will be a future guest on Meghan Markleâs Netflix âcookingâ show. Hold on! Duchess! Please for the people, have Amber, Blake and Angelina on your âcookingâ show, a bake off, with Kristi Noem as the judge. Flour, Sugar and Sociopaths!
Speaking of gaggle of gals, KIM KARDASHIAN was just spotted in Paris with two famous Astronauts! Katy Perry and Lauren Sanchez. Doing the one thing Astronauts are more famous for than studying science or going to spaceâŚshopping at Hermes. Duh!
And FinallyâŚ
The remake of The Four Seasons (watch here). Who watched? I did! And you guys know Iâm very honest and don't just follow whatâs popular, so get readyâŚ.
First let me start with, I loved the original movie that Alan Alda wrote and directed! In fact, scenes from it still pop into my mind from time to time. The idea, the theme, the music, genius. Great film! Great cast. Now the remake⌠It felt like an extra long Hallmark movie but without a pretty cast. Iâm sorry. You didnât get the sense that they were really good friends. Did not feel it! The casting was really weird. I liked Tina, I love Steve Carrell but casting an over the top stereotypical gay couple was so disappointing. Yes, I get it, they wanted to make it more with the times, but taking away a hetero couple and replacing it with a gay couple, takes away the best part, which is two older women watching their friend dump their wife for a younger hotter version and the reality of what that really is like. And they changed the ending big time. Completely unrealistic, hence the Hallmark reference. Yes, I laughed sometimes, I mean how do you not laugh at Steve Carrell, and it was pleasant, and I was curious to see it all the way through and finish it, but I also couldn't wait to get on the phone with my friend to complain about it. I warned you! And they just announced season two. Not surprised, Hollywood can make wine out of nothing and will stamp a title on it and stream it for the masses that are so desperate for any content, even boring stupid shows that are disappointing for money. Yay!
Until next time folksâŚ
And sorry you can't unread this!
I Genuinely Want to Know
Also dying laughing about the comforter- been there and sounds like our kiddos are same ages!
Salma: not funny at all. My friend was a publicist ages ago for the movie she did w Matthew Perry (who was sweet and down to earth); they had a red carpet event and while traveling w Salma to it, they learned Matthew couldnât attend and Salma went crazy âI canât go! Iâll seem less important and too available!â Ugh. Zero respect for her ever since.