Hellooooooooo!
Welcome to my brain! Gather around. Line up. Single file folks. Let me put the key in. Unlock the door, jiggle it, aha! We’re in! Proceed with caution….🚦
I find it literally impossible to be, exist, breathe without movie and TV show scenes swirling like a hurricane rampant in my brain 24/7. Expressions, quotes, even just a glance from one tiny scene will play in constant rotation over and over. Melanie Griffith in Working Girl crashing the wedding with Harrison Ford and bopping her head to the music as she sneaks into the party. That little bop of the head will pop into my mind while checking out at Trader Joes or Mark Darcy’s girlfriend standing at the top of the stairs snapping her fingers so rudely at Mark while he’s telling Bridge he likes her just as she is. That snap of her fingers replays in my mind like a Gif.
Why? I don't know, it just happens and happens, so I've embraced it and it's part of who I am. It’s as if I’m an alien who spent an entire life studying and watching fake lives to know how to be a person. Or like a child prodigy playing the piano, this is me, except I can’t play Beethoven's and Bach’s blah blah, but I can tell you every single line from Caddyshack and act out each performance. And may I just say right here and now that Ted Knight was a very underrated actor. His portrayal of Judge Smails was borderline genius and he deserved an Oscar. I have a great list of underrated performances, but Ii’ll save that for the next newsletter. While trying to navigate my way through this, my very first newsletter, I quickly checked my Notes app and read everything I’d written over the past few months. I use my Notes app a billion times a day. I’ll quickly jot down things I need at the grocery, or the name of a song I just heard, but mostly it's filled with useless thoughts. If I took a screen shot for you, it would read like a sad little book. But there’s nothing sad about me! Yes, I have sad thoughts, who doesn’t? But mostly I wake up in a good mood. Not in an annoying way, like, when you ask someone, how are you, and they answer, AMAZING! No! Not like that, more just like, it’s a new day and anything can happen!
So what’s happening…
Useless Thoughts
THE DNC OF COURSE! Who watched? Umm everyone! Kamala’s speech… OH MY GOD! She is tougher than Trump. Tougher than Biden. Tougher than Walz’s entire football team! I really didn’t know much about her before this week. She seemed fine. But wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m so psyched to vote for her! She’s so inspiring! So smart! So empathetic!! I am LIVING for her debate with Trump. Holy shit she’s going to wipe the floor with him! It’s going to be heaven!
Michelle and Barack? I mean…. Amazing! They’re both so humble, relatable, sexy and funny and don't just talk to hear themselves speak. They had a HUGE message in there that we can’t forget; This is going to be a tight race! As shocking as this sounds, considering one has a brain and the other’s a psycho clown.🤡 It’s true! In any other circumstance, in any other job interview on the planet, if these two walked in to HR and interviewed for the position, we all know who’d be hired. And it’s not the one talking about Hannibal Lecter, Tic Tacs, bleach and crowd size. So as great as the Obama’s were getting their message across with humor and love, their real message was clear. We’re not done until everyone registers to vote and VOTES! For me personally it's all about decency, empathy and respect, like Oprah said, and that’s how I’ll choose my candidate. And of course which party is a friend and protector of animals. All animals period full stop! 💙
Speaking of animals 🐻 Robert Kennedy Jr. is about to drop out of the Presidential race and its reported that he’ll be endorsing Trump. Good! They can have him! What a looney. Looney’s should stick together. Makes perfect sense that pathological Kennedy, who proclaimed to be the voice of climate change and the environment, has chosen to back the guy who pulled out (first time ever) of the Paris Agreement. Let them team up. They can skin and eat bears together, debate who’s better looking and start a group chat with Kim Jong Un and Putin! Fun!
BENNIFER!
You had me at… we’re back together, getting married and this time it’s forever. And I fell for it. Happens every day on Facebook, folks reunite with their old flames, why not stars? “Stars they’re just like us” might be the biggest conspiracy theory since the “fake moon landing” 😬
Her $5 million 8.5- carat engagement ring (just like us) was engraved with the words, “not going anywhere” which is exactly the reason I felt invested in this relationship. Ben Aflleck suddenly showed up committed to the world. An adult, he’d evolved, He was more mature and confident in his choices. He let go of what others thought and focused on what was important, his eternal love for Jlo. Wow! Love really does conquer all…. Just kidding! It doesn't! Who knows what really happened? Was it the never ending prying eyes fish bowl being with her? Or Is he just a cranky guy (most are, or eventually become, sorry, but its true) And don't even get me started with the kids and their revolving door of step parents. Maybe it was her new cocktail brand that sent him spinning? I DON'T KNOW! But I’m pissed. I’m a ridiculous hopeless romantic, who believes true love is real. I was really rooting for them, but everything always comes back to the choices you decide to make.💔
Which reminds me of a great quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson:
❝
The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
BOOZE, BEYONCE & BETTY BUZZ
Speaking of alcohol and spinning…. The performer, the Icon, the Queen Bee, the billionaire Beyonce has just launched her own Whisky brand. THANK GOD! I knew something was missing in my life, and I just couldn't put my finger on it, and now I know. The void has officially been filled. A new celebrity endorsed alcohol! Yay! Hate to school y'all, but buckle up. Class is in session. Alcohol is poison. Literally thats what it is. Google it. These celebs might as well just sell cigarettes. Same thing, the only difference is cigarettes takes longer to kill you and doesn't rot your brain and alter your personality. I’m not judging or telling you not to drink. Do You! I mean I literally couldn't be a bigger pot head.🌿 But just know the George Clooneys, the Ryan Reynolds of the world are selling poison. Does it make these justice warriors hypocrites? Ya think? Maybe I’m being too deep. I get it. It’s hard to go there? Don't want to see the reality, the truth. We’ve been taught since birth that drinking is fun, a celebration. The Olympics, the Super Bowl, everything is sponsored by alcohol, meanwhile cigarettes have been canceled (rightfully so). Poor cigarettes their PR is the worst! It’s almost as bad as rats. I look outside my window and I see the squirrels, beautiful birds, rabbits, chipmunks and two lil rats all coexisting. Two rats? Oh no! Why does my heart skip a beat when I notice the rats? Bad PR! Think about it, rats are just like gerbils or rabbits. Put a bunny’s tail on a rat and suddenly its a little precious fuzzy baby! ChatGPT put a bunny tail on a rat………Awww. Hey lil buddy!
Speaking of bad PR… I could write an entire book (that no one would read) on how fucked up it is that Blake Lively promoted her stupid flavored spritzers alongside her domestic violence “romantic comedy.” I could show you charts, statistics, percentages of abuse victims that were abused while their attackers were full blown wasted, but I’ll spare you (Zzzzz).
Yes, it turns out Blake Lively is a mean girl, but the packaged promotion of her Betty Buzz alcohol with her film It Ends With Us? Hang on, I need a moment to scream at the audacity,...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
K. I’m good now.
CALL HER DADDY! I wish she was my Daddy!
Because the host of Call Her Daddy, Alex Cooper just became crazy rich, and Daddy, I need some money! Alex just signed a deal with Sirius XM for over 100 million dollars?! Insane! Well done! Love to see it! Anyone who keeps it real, getting truck loads of money dropped at their door? Count me in! She just broke the glass ceiling for female podcasters! I’d love to throw my hat in the ring, but I don't know how to use the microphone, the equipment, the computer, my blow dryer? Anything with beep bop boop buttons to push scares me. “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a microphone, asking it to turn on” So if anyone out there knows how to push buttons, DM me. Let’s get an Obvious But Amazing podcast going!
But do we really need anymore podcasts? Everybody has a podcast. My mail carrier has a podcast! (its actually not bad) My answer is yes. The more the merrier! As we wait for the big shows to drop like Only Murders in the Building, The Morning Show, Bad Sisters, and while Jimmy Kimmel is on his summer break, (and look for my future newsletter where I rate the talk show hosts) we’ve been watching lots of Podcasts on You tube. We’ll watch and listen to clips of all the shows..10 minute clips, 7 minute clips, 3 minute clips, and jump around. Get a little something from everyone. Here are some of my favorites 🎧…
Conan needs a Friend… No one funnier than Conan. If you’re looking for something not political at all, I don't even think Trump’s name has ever even been mentioned on his podcast, Conan is your man! So good! Didn't think it was possible but Conan just gets better with age!
Blocks W/Neal Brennan…What’s funnier than childhood trauma? Neal interviews folks and goes deep and has a way of making you feel included, not odd, not stigmatized. He’s clever and funny and the guests spill their guts and secrets and its all done with love, empathy and humor! Love him!
SUPERFLY with David Spade and Dana Carvey… funny takes on the world news from these two cuckoo birds. With Dana’s impressions and David’s laugh out loud stories, its just so fun! No one tells a simple little stupid story more hysterically funny than David Spade. He cant not be funny!
EVERYTHING ICONIC with Danny Pellergrino…do you watch The Real Housewives of whatever the fuck city? I do! All of them! And Danny’s take on these shows literally hurts my stomach from laughing. I’m not kidding. Its worth it to start watching Bravo, just to listen to him!
And finally….
Like I said, I’m waiting with bated breath for some new TV! It's all about TV. No point in living without TV. Or let me clarify, I can't live without TV. (get used to it) It's almost the only thing I care about. TV and artichoke hearts! (Yummy, with hot butter, a little squeeze of lemon).
One new show I heard that’s coming out and I'm so excited for; “Whatever Happened to Huey Lewis.” A half-hour mockumentary-style comedy series ala Curb your Enthusiasm (best show ever) format. I can tell you it's amazing! How? When I haven't seen it? I don't even know if it's been made yet? So how do I know this? Because Huey is amazing, so talented, so funny and so sexy! I’ll let you in on a little secret Shhh! 🤫 Come close. Closer… When I was a teenager, I was convinced I was going to marry Huey Lewis! I was in love! So handsome and his deep masculine voice? Swoon! I’d fantasize about our wedding, with The News as groomsmen…. 🎶 We are bound by all the rest, like the same phone number, all the same friends, and the same addreeeessss, yes its true, I am happy to be stuck with you. 🎶
Sigh. I really would have been.
Until next time folks! Check out my new post on instagram later today. Please leave comments and let me know how you like the first newsletter, what you don't like, what you want more of. You tell me!
And…. Sorry you can't unread this! 🤪
