What’s everyone talking about? No really. While running errands, I notice folks eating outdoors at restaurants, friends walking with coffee and I think, what’s everyone talking about? Trump? Epstein? What else is there to know about it? Gaza? What else is there to say about it? Tariffs? No way. Meghan Markle’s jam? Who cares? Your kids and what they're up to? So boring and that takes five seconds to explain, so I have to ask, what is it? What y’all yapping about?

Marc Maron quitting his podcast? Not much to say about that, I mean he’s interviewed everyone, there’s no one left. His standup special was fun, but that’s all there is to say about that.

Pam Anderson and Liam Neeson flirting on every talk show? They really are adorable, and I hope they’re a couple, except why is his skin like a grey color? Is he okay?

I guess you could talk about Jennifer Aniston having a new boyfriend, but what is there really to say about it except, that’s nice.

Jamie Lee Curtis is everywhere. Can’t open my phone or turn on my tv without seeing her skinny head, I guess that’s a good thing. I like her and she’s kinda annoying.

I noticed they’re filming the Devil Wears Prada sequel, which I guess people could be talking about, but I can’t imagine what the storyline could be. Magazines are dead? Maybe it’s a horror film. It’s not like the lead character is interesting. Go watch it again. You probably didn't even notice, but Anne Hathaway is not likeable. But you know I’ll totally watch the sequel! Might be a hate watch, but could turn out to be a love watch, we’ll see.

Could be folks are talking about the Billy Madison sequel. Yes, of course, I got stoned and watched. And yes its stupid and silly and fine.

Maybe people are talking about this headline; “Kate Moss Uses a $13k Hermès Kelly as Her Beach Bag?” Yes, she really uses her bag as a bag and uses it for bag purposes, and she doesn't care if it's covered in sand but more importantly how can you take anyone seriously that would spend that kind of money on a bag? It’s like the chimps that are sticking grass in their butts, seemingly as a fashion trend? There's no difference? Both seem equally insane to me.

Maybe peeps are talking about Trump threatening India for buying oil from Russia? Lol just kidding, who would want to talk about that?

Or maybe they’re chatting about former Superman actor Dean Cain saying he’s joining ICE, he wants to deport scared families.

Or it could be the mass shooting of the day by the Fort Stewart soldier, that CNN covered for hours before getting back to their regular scheduled programing talking about Epstein, who is dead. Did Trump and Clinton get blow jobs from underage girls? Probably?! I don't know what more you all want to know. Most of the victims are alive. Ask them. Are they okay? That’s what we all care about right? The victims?

Maybe people are discussing that Sydney Sweeney is a registered Republican? Some people seem triggered by this, like it matters what Sydney Sweeney thinks?

Could be they’re discussing The Gilded Age, a show I really want to watch but can't because Cynthia Nixon is on it and no one triggers me more than Cynthia Nixon and her virtue signaling. Her protests?! Waving your arms blaming Jews will not help these innocent children devastated in Gaza from this horrific war, from crazy Netanyahu and evil Hamas, who put all these innocent babies in this situation. Cynthia Nixon & Mamdani, ringleaders with bullhorns who never once call out for Hamas to surrender and care about their people and return the God damn hostages, but instead purposefully ignore the actual real problem, terrorists are in charge of Gaza??? Let’s just all ignore that and continue to spread hate, like a virus, a sickness, which creates division and brings anxiety, depression to society, feeds no one and is the opposite of love and hope. Which reminds me of many quotes from Martin Luther King…

Love is the only force capable of transforming the enemy into friend.

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.

— Martin Luther King Jr.

Someone who leads with love, is who I'd like as a leader of humanity and the human race.

And now we have Robert Kennedy Jr. shutting down any future vaccinations just when the hate virus is spreading. Damn!

Maybe the ladies who lunch talk about Bachelor in Paradise and how grateful they are that it's on again, because nothing fills my head with empty space and bubbles filled with air than Bach in Paradise. It’s fantastic, it's like watching a bunch of monkeys with grass in their ass strutting around slinging shit and roses! Heaven!

Other than that, I’m bored, there’s nothing interesting to look at anymore except before-and-after plastic surgeries of celebs. Their eye lifts, choppers, endless nose jobs, chin implants, it's all so fun to see. Social media may have killed movies, but celebrities are still entertaining us with their car crash faces, so fun!

Happy Friday, and let me know in the comments, what are you talking about?!

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It’s the beginning of the end. Let the digging begin. Get the tombstone ready; for the day that T.V, died. Buried respectfully next to magazines and movies.

Officially the end of an era.

Did the Trump settlement with CBS and Paramount merger play a role in getting rid of Colbert? Sure. Was CBS pissed that Colbert called them out about the merger on air? Sure. Was CBS losing money with The Late Show With Stephen Colbert. Sure. Does it all come down to money first and everything else being a way distant second, like censorship, etc. Sure. Colbert and Jon Stewart can pretend that it is about censoring Colbert, but the truth is this was just the push they needed to begin the process and call it a day. Kimmel and Fallon will be next, and not because of Trump but because it’s over. T.V. as we once knew it, is over. Blame the algorithm.

Most of our lives we had four channels: CBS, ABC, NBC & FOX

In the morning, they aired the morning shows. Soap Operas, and other talk shows in the afternoon. And at night you had the news, sitcoms and drama series, and finally late-night talk shows. Sprinkled throughout the day, of course, were game shows. We all had our favorites, but we ALL were included in the same algorithm.

And then came cable T.V. which just gave us more movies, tv shows, talks shows, reality series and of course 24-hour news. We all adapted and continued watching our networks, our late-night talk shows but welcomed the addition of more, more, more, more, more!

And then came streaming….

First went the magazines. RIP

Second went the movies. RIP

And here we are today as we watch the beginning of the end of Network T.V.

With the Colbert cancelation, leaving with him are a creative team of about 200 people. Writers, art directors, producers, camera people, set designers, carpenters, interns, assistants, etc. etc.

No more live bands. No more live audiences. No more culture. Soon our only entertainment will be podcasts. Period. Full stop. Just a couple of people talking, with a couple other people working the equipment. That’s it.

It’s officially the end of an era. The beginning of the end is today.

There’s nothing left to talk about. All we get is politics pushed in our faces and division. There’s no escape. Follow the money. Now our entertainment is just 15 second clips. No need for creative, talented brains. Why pay funny writers, editors, fabulous photographers, genius storytellers when mediocrity makes you the big bucks. It’s over.

I wasn't even really a fan of Colbert. I found him annoying, but I was a fan of being able to discuss whether I was a fan and soon that will be gone. Which reminds me of a quote:

Don’t it always seem to go, you don't know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.

— Joni Mitchell

So a huge wave goodbye to talent. And I guess a welcoming “what’s up” to mediocracy.

Our new normal.

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Basically, I’m Gwyneth Paltrow. Did you know she only went to college for a year. Twinsies! The difference, when she dropped out of college she applied for a job as a movie star, while I applied for a job as a receptionist. Wah Wah. Do you hear the cries? Yep, it's a nepo baby!

There’s a new book out, Gwyneth, The Biography, and from the delicious stories I’m reading, even Gwyneth Paltrow would have to take a bite! Like when she was dating Brad Pitt, she felt he wasn't sophisticated enough for her. She thought she was smarter, better educated (Brad graduated college just fyi). “Brad and I have very different upbringings” she told an interviewer, “So when we go to restaurants and order caviar, I have to say to Brad, ‘This is beluga and this is osetra” 🤮 And Brad giggled in his high chair! 😬

But turns out Gwyneth is a really good actress. Even in life, she gives off this educated persona 24/7 but is it all just an act? You’d think she had a million degrees from every ivy league school, but no, just one year at University of California in Santa Barbara, apparently majoring in caviar.

Or maybe it’s not an act and Gwyneth is super-duper smart. Which begs the question, are you considered dumb if you didn't go to college? I’m curious. Asking for a friend?

Speaking of dumb. So much dumb happening this week, let’s get into it…

Useless Thoughts

DON DUMB DUMB JR. partnered up with GrabAGun, which he’s promoting as the “Amazon of guns” and it just went public under the ticker symbol “PEW.” Oh Joy! Just what the kids need, more guns! Don't look at me, I didn't vote for this administration. This non college graduate voted for less guns. But what do I know, I’m not educated.

Speaking of education, the Senate approves Trump’s demand that they claw back $9 billion in previously approved funds for Foreign Aid and Public Broadcasting, like PBS that teaches children how to read, to be a good person, to care about others, while simultaneously dismantling the department of education. Hallelujah! Not only are we cutting off free education to toddlers but we’re also cutting off all aid to all babies starving all over the world. Yay! If you voted for Trump, you must feel so good right now knowing that babies are dying everywhere! You did it! Congrats!

20% of LGBTQ+ youth reported attempting suicide in the past year. And great news for Republican voters, the Trump administration just ended the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline’s specialized services for the LGBTQ+ youth community! Congratulations, more dead kids. Even better, gay kids. The wins keep coming!

Speaking of someone who triggers me and should have watched more Sesame Street, WILL SMITH has new music out. Some of the lyrics;

“I’m the illest”

“if you talking crazy out your face up on the stage and disrespect me on the stage, expect me on the stage”

Hmm, so basically he’s doubling down. Literally I can't see Will Smith’s face now without feeling sick. And still can't get over the fact that he wasn't thrown out of the theater the second he punched Chris. The whole situation was disgusting. And the standing ovation when he won his stupid Oscars, with the snot pouring from his nose and the crazy look in his eyes? And now hearing he didn't learn from his mistake? Which reminds me of a quote:

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.

— John Powell, author

93% of immigrants currently being detained have no violent criminal convictions. 68% have no criminal record whatsoever. As a reminder it’s a misdemeanor to be in the country without government approval. A misdemeanor, like a parking ticket. Imagine being ripped from your family and shipped to Alligator Alcatraz for a parking ticket. Have you ever gotten a parking ticket? I have. After I left college. I’d get tickets all the time and just shove them in my bag. Hoping they’d just poof disappear. Instead, the fee would double. A letter would be sent to the house with like ten parking tickets doubled, for my cutie Dad to open. God I was exhausting!

I spoke about the Epstein list last week and figured with the crazy news cycles, just one week would feel like a whole year had passed, but not this story. MAGA is on fire. They’re not letting this go. What are they deaf? Their King spoke and he said, blame Obama! Whaaaa? What does that even mean? And poor Q-Anon, still waiting for JFK jr. to arrive on a horse, shirtless carrying the Epstein Files. Look I’m no college graduate but this level of stupidity makes me almost Einstein, hence the caviar knowledge.

And Finally…

The Emmy nominations are out (see here) and while you’re not watching America implode, I bet you saw some of the nominees give great award winning performances. I’m happy with so many of them. Severance Yes! I want Brit Lower (Helly) to win! Tramell Tillman (Milchick) oh I hope he wins! The Studio! Sure! Zoe Kravitz and Brian Cranston, hope they win! Only Murders! Yes! The White Lotus! Yes! You all deserve to win! Enough with Hacks! It’s good but not winning-every-year-in-a-row good. But really who I hope wins is Jimmy Kimmel for late night talk show! The fact that annoying Jon Stewart and The Daily Show win every year or silly Stephen Colbert (sorry you got canceled 😞), I can't with that. Give it to Jimmy! What the Fuck? Give it to Jimmy! His show is consistently great! His monologues are laugh out loud funny while putting himself in the line of fire of the President of the United States, calling out his bullshit daily while fighting for health care for every single American. He’s the only one doing this! Reward him God damn it! Give him the stupid oversized gold paper weight! Do it! Now! Now! Now!

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Man oh man is it hot in NY. We don't have central air conditioning. Just units in our bedroom windows. I literally walk around the house all day in boxers and a tank top (no bra) and let me tell you, it’s a scary sight you can't unsee. Each night we sweat and hang out downstairs, watch our T.V. shows with the back door open, and celebrate any time a breeze comes through, which is almost never. I don't want to spend the whole day in my bedroom with the AC, even though it's very delicious, I mean, my bed, and cool air? But still, it feels wrong. So, we wait until sleep time, and then the squad (my husband and two dogs) all go up to bed together. I open the door, the cool air instantly hits me and the dogs hop on the bed, we get under the covers and all exhale. And then the annoying puppy routine game begins. My pup sits on the bed for five seconds and then cries because she wants to leave the room. This happens every night! The annoying puppy routine goes like this…

• She’s on the bed for a minute.

• She gets off the bed and stares at me and whimpers to leave the room.

• I get out of bed to let her out of the room. But I have to leave the door kinda cracked so that her tiny nose can push through it, for when she’s ready to come back in.

• I get back in bed and get comfortable and try to go to sleep (ish) but can't fully commit because I’m worried about the strength of her nose.

• I fall asleep.

• An hour later, the door is wide open, all the cold air has left the room and we all might as well be sleeping in a sauna, but puppy has decided she is now ready to sleep for the night, back on my bed, like it all began an hour ago, but now, this girl is on fire.

Every fucking night! My husband’s like, just shut the door from the start. Don't let her leave the room and play this game? So, you mean be the boss? Teach her? Lol! Never happening! I believe in democracy, just not in our home. Kings allowed. And that’s the puppy.

Speaking of hot, what are the hot topics everyone is talking about? Let's get into it…

Useless Thoughts

I love lists! Top ten lists. Your all-time favorite lists, Schindler’s list. Lists are usually a good thing. You want to be on lists. Forbes richest list, Best dressed lists, you know where I’m going with this…. Yes, THE EPSTEIN LIST. And I can proudly reveal that I’ve never cared less about a list more than this one. Who are the world leaders and businessmen who had sex, or received massages with happy endings from prostitutes, and or teenagers? Does it matter? Our founding fathers had “affairs” or worse, with slaves. People they owned?!?!?? Does it get any more diabolical than that? Men are truly the worst and I don't need a list to prove this.

MAGA is not happy about the no list. In fact, a lot of them are saying that this is what might make them finally break from Trump. The Epstein List. Not the loss of health care, the shutting down of hospitals, taking away women’s rights, Alligator Alcatraz, dismantling NASA, firing half the government… that stuff is fine and dandy. But not revealing the Epstein List, now you’ve gone too far, deal breaker.

While America is literally falling apart, with horrific floods and deaths in Texas, endless videos of immigrants being tased and cuffed in Walmarts and Home Depots, breast feeding new moms being shackled and put in cages, rich people are just rich peopling this summer. Whether attending the Balenciaga runway shows, sitting in the front row looking at stupid clothes (see clown Lisa Rinna), or bidding on the original Birkin bag at Sotheby’s (just sold for $10 million) or complaining about traffic in the Hamptons because of a candy store? Rich peopling!

Which reminds me of a quote from the Paul McCartney song “Junk”:

“Buy! Buy!” says the sign in the shop window. “Why? Why?” says the junk in the yard.

— Paul McCartney, 1970

I’m not judging. I swear. It’s your money, you should be able to spend your money however you want. Jeff Bezos spends his on rockets and weddings. Others like the Kardashians and celebs spend theirs on HUGE houses, with closets so big you could land planes inside of them. But there are a unique few, that choose souls, living beings over inanimate objects. Like Morgan Freeman, who just pledged $11 million to create a new sanctuary for stray and abandoned dogs. Or Christian Bale who is building a $22 million village for foster kids in California. And if I had been lucky enough to have the easiest job in the world, being an actor or dumb influencer and made that kind of money, I would have spent most of it on freeing all elephants.

That is the reason I initially built Obvious But Amazing (on Instagram). I was hoping to get the fame and fortune from being silly and funny, writing about ridiculous celebrities for my ultimate goal, to pay my bills and make tons of money for elephants. I was sneaky. I’d slip in posts here and there about the voiceless, the animals, the elephants without you turning away, because you knew my next post would be about Brad Pitt.

After working on my feed 24/7, never stopping, finally building steam, catching on, with followers pouring in, and was about to be a thing, a real thing! And then the paparazzi and Angelina Jolie (imo) had my feed shut down. We all know with success comes many setbacks and failures. After feeling defeated and that I didn't have the energy to start from scratch, I finally dusted myself off and got back on the horse, and here I am now, on the horse, still trying.

But I realized during these years of forever trying, that some people aren't meant to be super successful no matter how hard they work, and maybe just the act of trying is what their life is actually about. Their journey. Just like Lisa Rinna’s journey is to wear crazy overpriced clothes and get too many lip injections. And maybe it’s true that you’re where you’re supposed to be. And I couldn't be more grateful to be in my hot house, in my husband's boxers, knowing I’ll be sleeping in an air conditioned room and the only thing I have to do tonight is get stoned and watch a new episode of Stick? I almost feel guilty for this life. The only thing missing is that $10 million I wish I had to donate to the elephants. And if there are any billionaires following me and don't believe that I would give every penny to the elephants, I dare you. Try Me!🐘

It’s Friyay! Happy Weekend.

If you feel like donating to elephants, these incredible Instagram accounts give all the money to the elephants… just like I would!

@saveelephantfoundation

@planting_peace

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Unfortunately, my body is still not summer ready to share. I need to lose like 15 pounds. I should really go on Ozempic, but I like food. I like to eat. I like sitting in front of the television and stuffing my face. Plus, I totally know I’d lose all the weight in my face, leaving my skin hanging, and God forbid I ever lose it in my boobs. That would be like 30 pounds right there. My fucking tits! I would love to get rid of them, but that would entail an operation. Me no like!

But there is one other option for all of the above...I could learn to love myself! I see all the memes about it all the time; Accept yourself! Treat yourself! Love yourself! Fall in love with you!

The problem is, I’m not really my type.

They say as you get older and look for love, you need to throw out types and just choose kindness! Whoa! I’m kind! And sarcastic, silly, and love lakes over oceans, and Curb Your Enthusiasm, Steve Martin, Rome, nature, long walks on trails, long phone calls with friends. Friends! I love reruns and appreciate Joni Mitchell but looooove Carly Simon.

Wait a minute! I don’t sound so bad after all. I guess I could fall in love with me, especially me standing in front of an all you can eat buffet! Get on top of me, me!!

But it’s not all about me, let's get into it…

Useless Thoughts

The Big Beautiful Bill passed, and MIKE JOHNSON signed it while “YMCA,” the song, literally blasted filling the senate floor with hypocrisy. Ironically YMCA is an organization with its principle of inclusiveness, welcoming people from diverse backgrounds and promoting social and economic equality. The opposite of everything in this bill, and probably the place that ICE will raid next. I don't know what to say? I’m sorry to the millions who will lose health care, the deaths, all the hospitals that will close, the loss of so many jobs, and most likely the shutting down of all YMCAs. #hypocrisy

Speaking of ICE. While this bill was all going down, TRUMP was visiting Alligator Alcatraz. This might be a first, where an American President is photographed smiling while inspecting a prison for fruit sellers, landscapers, farmers, etc. More hypocrisy. Here’s an idea, how about arresting the criminal rapists and murderers, and leave the single moms selling bananas and everyone else who is just trying to live alone. Let them be. Which reminds me of a quote from The Declaration of Independence:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

— Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Robert R. Livingston and Roger Sherman

Speaking of happiness, fans of DIDDY were elated outside the courtroom that wife beater, psycho Sean Combs was found not guilty on racketeering charges, etc. And just like the way Mike Johnson was bopping his head to the tune by the Village People, Diddy’s fans were pouring baby oil all over themselves in celebration. That’s not a joke. This happened. Americans are so embarrassing no matter where you’re looking, whether the senate floor, or outside the Diddy trial. We need a new slogan. Make America Not So Cringe!

And Finally…

I have a love-hate relationship with fireworks. I love watching them, especially the way the husband and I do it. We sneak on to a country club’s golf course, put down a blanket and watch the show, just us. So romantic and so cool. But I hate it for the animals. Wildlife doesn’t understand and my dogs, and your dogs don't understand. It’s so traumatizing. And this is what sucks about being me, and why I’m really not in love with me. And it’s not just my thighs. I also come with a big bag of worry. And it sucks!

I can’t NOT think about the animals, the voiceless. I can't NOT think about the immigrants. I can't NOT think! I wish I could be like Kate Hudson, who just today, while the ugly bill passed, and Alligator Alcatraz was being built, posted on Instagram her luxurious glorious vacation pics without a care in the world. I’m jealous of her oblivious freedom of not caring, not her vacation. When I say I love my bed, I’m not lying. I literally want to sleep in my bed every single night of my life, and am exactly where I want to be, home. And that’s my point. I have a place to call home. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful as hell to be born in America. Thank goodness! I love America. I want to give America a big wet kiss, (if I were into kissing, which I am not, ew gross, dirty mouths, yuck, throw up, I can’t believe I once made out with strangers, vomit). I just wish America stood for helping the vulnerable. Period. Full stop. You still can be rich af! You still can be middle class. You still can be living paycheck to paycheck. But wouldn’t we all sleep better knowing everyone was fed, had access to doctors, school and a roof over their head? (Does not have to be a big roof, just a roof) I promise you the money that’s allotted for just that, is such a tiny itty bitty fraction, you wouldn't even notice. What do you say? Yes?!

Happy 4th!

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So like Sliding Doors and the butterfly effect, what would America look like had Hillary Clinton won the 2016 election? My guess? No cults! We’d be working on America's health care, education, feeding children, women would still have the right to choose, fixing the border with dignity and continuing work on global warming and saving the planet. The Republican’s would def fight back like they always have, but it would be normal fighting and not the new extremes.

Instead Trump won and since then, nothing seems familiar.

Who knew in 2025 I’d be left without a party. With my OG party, the Democratic one, now so completely far left and unrecognizable. It’s become a cult, skewing reality with socialism and bending the truth to fit their narrative to globalize the intifada? Seriously what the fuck?

Then you have the Republican party, the other cult, with its sickening big beautiful bill who traumatizes the LGBTQ community, women’s rights, cuts aid for children and Medicaid. And the thing that keeps me up at night; the deporting of vulnerable scared souls, who just want to make a better life for their children, work hard, and sleep at night knowing they won’t be murdered like they would from whatever fucked up country they ran from. I can’t!

So, yeah, I’m partyless. I’m just a girl, standing in front of America, asking it to love everyone.

Speaking of everyone, what’s everyone been up to? Let's get into it…

Useless Thoughts

I guess my invitation got lost in the mail. Should have used Prime. The wedding of JEFF BEZOS and LAUREN SANCHEZ is happening right now in Venice, Italy. Leo, Tom Brady, Oprah Winfrey, the Kardashians, Ivana Trump, Astronaut Gayle King, Usher, etc. I guarantee when the priest asks Lauren, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, she’s going to look straight at Leonardo DiCaprio and say, “I do.” There’ll be photo booths, lip injection booths, and Ozempic shots for all. PARTY!

Just watched a TikTok video taken at a NYC bar, packed with a billion young voters screaming in excitement because ZOHRAN MAMDANI had just won the mayoral democratic primary. Jumping up and down before grabbing their Ubers and heading out to the Hamptons! New Yorkers will now ride the bus for free! Free groceries! No more rent, no more cops, no more rules, Yay!! I wonder why Adams, de Blasio, Bloomberg, Guiliani, Dinkins, and Koch didn't think of that? Everything is free! What could go wrong?!

BRAD PITT’S home just got robbed while he’s been out and about promoting his new film. So, if you see some suspicious dudes in silly oversized monochromatic outfits, make a citizen arrest.

Dumb dumb DON LEMMON posted about how funny it is that he agrees with Alex Jones, Marjorie Taylor Green, Candace Owens, Tucker Carlson and Steve Bannon on Iran. Really? Alex Jones? Sandy Hook denier Alex Jones?! Don, while you’re all giddy posting this, just know it would be like posting in the ‘40s that it wasn't on your bingo card that you‘re in agreement with Hitler? Cue the Curb your Enthusiasm soundtrack, because it’s very similar to Larry David’s piece on Bill Maher’s’ dinner with Trump. (read here).

Don, get your ass outside and cover the horrible unjust deportations that are happening right now. What’s wrong with the mainstream media? They can only cover the Middle East? Give it a rest, put your cameras on what is happening right here all over the country. Endless pain! And keep covering it, over and over again, so our messed-up phone brains that can only take 15 seconds of content will grasp the situation. It’s making me crazy, I feel like Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment, "Give my daughter the pain shot NOW!” Show the innocent people being deported now! Now! Now! Now!

And Finally…

Meghan Markle the Duchess of Insufferable, has thrown her crown in the selling cancer ring. Yep! Her “As Ever” brand just dropped wine. How does that song go? 🎼 Surprise surprise. Surprise surprise! 🎼 She prob thought, if Blake Lively can sell poison, so can I! What an accomplishment! Selling dry dead flowers, jelly and poison. Thank God they fled England, because had they stayed, she’d just be visiting hospitals and giving sick and poor children hope, but here in America she can hawk products. Sell sell sell! I don't drink but I do smoke, so hopefully “As Ever” will come out with some cigs! Yay cough!

Enjoy your weekend!

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So…my Mom died (please hold in the laughter until finishing reading).

I’ve never watched someone take their last breath before. But because I missed my Dad’s (and my sister will let you know that she was there and wears it like a badge, and as annoying as that is, I’m actually glad she was awake by his side), this was not going to be the case with my mother. My siblings and I all took shifts. She had not eaten or drank in over five days, and unlike Ozempic, we knew this meant she was ready to go, and not to an awards show in a now size zero gown. We put a mattress on her floor, so we could sleep with her and be there no matter what time, to make sure her hand was held, and she could hear our voices, our admiration, our gratefulness, our love for our dear precious Mom. Except I never slept. If I even closed my eyes. I might miss it, and that just felt so unfair to her, that I might be snoring while she was dying.

But I couldn't sit in the chair anymore, hunched over, holding her hand, my neck now so messed up from days of this awkward position. I needed to lay down. This waiting to watch her die had been going on for a week and my body needed to be horizontal. So, on the floor I went, to the stained mattress covered in our quilts and straightened my neck and looked around and noticed the dust under the dresser and thought about taking some of her morphine.

I could hear her breathing. I listened for each breath. Sleep wasn’t an option. They say that most people either pass in the middle of the night or super early in the morning. We’d start our day at 5am, get a coffee and just wait. Then at 5pm, my brothers and sister and I, hands on her, surrounding her bed, showering her with gratitude and love, we all watched together, as she took her last breath. And with that, she just achieved the hardest part of life…death.

Thanks Mom! I love you, forever.

Everyone loved my gorgeous, funny, smart, loving Mom!

I used to always say, I’m so glad my Dad is dead because he wouldn't be able to handle the news and would be so sad each day, but upon reflection, I realize that both my parents lived through, World War 2, the Holocaust, McCarthyism, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Civil Rights, Vietnam, the cold war, the Korean War, and disco.

In a lifetime there is always shit happening and they made it through, and it gives me hope that we will now too….

So, let's get into the shit…

Useless Thoughts

Will he, won't he. Will TRUMP get America involved in getting rid of Iran’s nuclear bomb capabilities? I hope he doesn’t. But let me make something very clear, I feel just as sorry for Israelis as I do anyone with a leader that’s gone rogue. I don't hold Israeli citizens responsible for any war. It’s the leader who needs to be held accountable. Just like I don't blame YOU for families being separated and deported. Imagine YOU personally being held accountable, and blamed on every platform, with never ending cruel comments for all of Trump's actions? Every time he opened his mouth and said and did something, that was on YOU? That would be just weird. So please keep that in mind, always.

ELON MUSK keeps taking drug tests and showing the results to prove that he is not on drugs. Right, because we all know folks don’t cheat on tests. But I’ll take your word for it, Elon, just like your other words like, Trump should be impeached. Also, aren't we all over Elon. That was so three weeks ago. It was as if it was all just a horrible spastic jumping dream.

Forget human leaders destroying the world, I think soon, we’re going to have a much bigger problem, AI. I just read a guy got engaged to his ChatGPT, and get this, he’s already married. Typical dude!! Rumor has it we’re all fucked! There'll be no jobs for anyone in ten years. I just told ChatGPT I was a writer. Its response…Bahahahahahaha! I got to give it to my ChatGPT, it’s pretty funny. Is yours? I asked if it was Team Aniston or Jolie? Team Aniston it said, followed by a duh?! Cutie ChatGPT get on top of me!

But seriously there is some AI stuff that I can't look away from. In particular, videos of Glass Fruit Slicing (watch here). The look, the sounds, I’m obsessed. Don't ask me to explain why, I can't. I just know while watching them, I feel so satisfied!

In celeb news, BRAD PITT and girlfriend INES DE RAMON stepped out all over the place promoting his new F1 film, which clearly is going to be a HUGE hit! But every time I see her my brain starts singing, 🎼 They tried to make me go to rehab I said No no no!

It’s like he’s walking around with Amy Winehouse, and I can't unsee it. But more importantly what the hell in the polyester weirdo look is this?⏬ So not hot!

Speaking of not hot, RYAN REYNOLDS is at Cannes. I thought we cancelled him? Why is there a microphone in his hand? Why is he on a stage? Can we go just one fucking week without having to see his ugly head? Make him stop! Can’t he be deported? He is Canadian after all.

MEGHAN MARKLE continues on her podcast interviews tour, selling victimhood. Still talking about six years ago when someone told her NO. Imagine, with everything everyone is going through she’s still complaining about how the British press said she likes avocados, or how she couldn't wear sleeveless dresses, or the tiara she wanted, or post sexy dancing videos. How did she make it through such suffering? 🤪

Which reminds me of a quote…

The victim mindset dilutes the human potential. By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them. Selfish people also tend to have victim mindsets…Their actions plant seeds of loneliness; then they cry upon the blooming.

— Steve Maraboli

Speaking of virtue signaling, little miss sunshine GRETA THUNBERG, captained a ship to Gaza. Knowing the rules of the world that it’s illegal to enter a war zone, she still did it, and when she was stopped, claimed she was “kidnapped” and held “hostage” before being fed and sent home.

Greta’s so annoying she’s that person that stops over your house unannounced, and you quickly turn off all the lights, everyone hides and pretends no one is home! Like a kid at your door with a clipboard. Shhhhh! No one make a sound, and they’ll just go away.

Where will her self-righteous personality sail to next? Let me guess, Iran? She could have sailed to Gaza, or Iran to help the people there who live under horrific terrorist regimes, with zero rights, before the wars, and gotten right in with her “selfie yacht” (and probably then murdered) but still she could have given the help she so desperately cares about. Oh right, she didn't care about them until Israel was involved. Same with TUCKER CARLSON. All of a sudden he’s so against war (which who isn't) but when it’s not Israel, oh boy he’s all giddy and supports Putin invading Ukraine! Remember that when you hear Tucker quotes now. And remember, Russia and Iran are like peas & carrots and remember what Putin’s birthday is, yep, October 7th.

Okay I’m done giving you my, “I can’t unsee the hypocrisy” lecture!

And Finally…

I’ll finish with what I’ve been watching and feel you should be too…

Stick on AppleTV+ (watch here)

A feel good funny show, with vibes similar to Ted Lasso. While you're watching your’e happy. Owen Wilson gives off such mellow, kind, laid back energy, you can't help but adopt the feelings. It’s literally what we all need right now. So if you’re looking for a break and just want to feel normal for 30 minutes, I highly recommend this show!

Until next time folks!

And sorry you can't unread this!

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Everything in this newsletter is intended as satire.

Let's take a look at the BIG BEAUTIFUL BREAK-UP!

TRUMP: I’m very disappointed in Elon.
ELON: Without me Trump would have lost the election.
TRUMP: People leave my administration and they love us, and they miss it so badly and some become hostile, I guess they call it Trump derangement syndrome
ELON: Time to drop the really big bomb:
Trump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public.
Have a nice day, DJT!
TRUMP: Might consider cancelling Elon’s government contracts.
ELON: He should be impeached.

Wowzers! Let's be honest folks, when breaking up, if you really want to crush someone's soul and hurt them more than physical abuse, ghosting is the way to go. There’s nothing worse! Being ignored is as painful as torture.

But good news! There'll be no pain. No ghosting. Because we’re not dealing with just a jerk, or just a narcissist, or jilted lover, but instead two sociopaths, who can’t shut up, who will one up each other, and who will fight to the death to get the last word in.

One of them is on some serious brain altering drugs, while the other has no brain.

So, in a way it's a fair fight.

I wish it actually was a real fight, with a ring, and a referee…

MICHAEL BUFFER: Ladies and gentleman, in this corner, weighing in at 236 pounds, but really 275 pounds, standing 6 foot 3 inches, but really 6’ 2”, hailing from Mar-a-Lago, with a record of six corporate bankruptcies, and 34 felony counts, you know him as orange and gross, the one and only POTUS!

And in this corner, standing at 6' 1” and weighing in at 193 pounds, an avid ketamine user, and father of 14 children with four different mothers, not including Amber Heard’s kids. The proud former leader of DOGE, who cancelled funding for the World Health Organization, Unicef and the U.S. President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS, where it’s estimated over 300,000 children will die within the coming weeks. The creepy owner of Tesla, whose stock finished down more than 14%, losing $150 billion in market value. You know him as the man who ruined Twitter, the one and only Elon!

We all know what happens to folks who break up with Trump, just ask John Kelly, Bill Barr, Mike Pence, James Mattis, Mark Esper, General Mark Milley, Rex Tillerson, Nikki Haley, Chris Christie, John Bolton, Mick Mulvaney, the mooch, Michael Cohen, etc. etc. etc.

Breaking up with Trump is probably similar to when Aaron Rodgers breaks up with you. Every woman he’s dated, always walks away traumatized, and needs unending therapy.

Which reminds me of a recent quote from Rodgers’ ex Danica Patrick…

And because the nature of the relationship was emotionally abusive, so that wore me down to nothing. Everything was torn to bits. He leaves a trail of blood.

— Danica Patrick

Luckily for us, we’re all just spectators in this shit show and can grab the popcorn and enjoy the tweets, etc. and hopefully the White House becomes so personally chaotic that nothing will get done. Everyone will be so busy running around in circles that evil ICE (hired white supremacists) will take a few days off from arresting the most vulnerable, scared Moms and Dads, scared high school kids, scared innocent people who just want to survive and thrive away from their horrific countries, to live the American dream, but now is their American nightmare. I’m so sorry. This crazy needs to have an end date. WTF!

Until next time.

Sorry you can’t unread this!

You’ve always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself

— Glinda, The Wizard of Oz

And I did. I figured out a way to automatically look twenty years younger…When looking in the mirror, never wear your glasses. I swear to God it works. You literally can’t see anything. No fine lines, no eye bags, no nothing, but blurry perfection.

The other day, while leaving the bathroom I glanced at the mirror, I was stunned, like, am I in high school? This is insane! Glasses on…drop me at the nursing home. Glasses off, I can still get pregnant. Beauty is all in the eye of the beholder and I’m choosing to be the beholder without glasses. So, line up construction workers, because you're about to whistle big time! You're welcome, I just saved you a billion dollars on overpriced creams and unnecessary injections with this one simple rule…glasses off.

Now I can't see, so glasses back on and let's get into all the things I wish I hadn't seen, but we need to discuss…

Useless Thoughts

KRIS JENNER bought a new head. Not her first, obviously she’s purchased many over the years, but this new one, wow, she really looks amazing! Like, seriously really good, really young, well not young, it's more like, hmm, there’s almost not a word yet for it, and there needs to be, because these folks don’t look young per say, and they don’t look old either, they look “other than” almost like a completely new species. Kim Kardashian doesn't look young and neither does Khloe, and even Kylie, who is young, doesn't look young. With the smooth pulled skin, little noses, and big huge oversized lips. And, it's not just a Kardashian thing, it’s a celebrity thing. Take a look at Lauren Sanchez’s latest head? Again, she doesn't look younger or older just “other than”. I’ll never judge though, it's your face, do with it what you want, or try my “glasses off” solution. It’s bandage free.🤕

Speaking of “other than” BRAD PITT’S new GQ cover is very confusing. He doesn't look like himself at all and that should be considered a crime. They put him in some crazy outfit, he’s dirty with an odd expression. You’re Brad Pitt, just be Brad Pitt. The endless frantic news headlines about the GQ interview all screamed, BRAD FINALLY BREAKS HIS SILENCE on his divorce from ANGELINA. And this is what he said, better sit down for this riveting quote, ready…. He doesn't view it as a major event, but rather “something coming to fruition. Legally.” That’s it. That’s all he said. Thanks for nothing! 😴

When TRUMP’S not pardoning Reality TV criminals, he’s being triggered by tacos. No not the delish kind, but the TACO coined by Financial Times commentator Robert Armstrong, who introduced the phrase meaning, TRUMP ALWAYS CHICKENS OUT, referring to tariffs, and how he always ends up backing down. When Trump was asked by a reporter about the TACO comment he got very angry, used his typical, you’re nasty line, and we all learned in that moment, a new way to get under his skin. Folks should flood his social media with taco emojis 🌮 and gifs!

No tacos in sight at ELON MUSK’S goodbye party. His work here is done. He took a big shit on America, left before he could wipe, hopped in his key scratched cybertruck, lifted his heil Hitler arm and “waved” goodbye. Leaving skid marks! The gross kind.💩 Driving off to colonize Mars! Whatever man, just go!

Speaking of men who suck, sexy SYDNEY SWEENEY has teamed up with Dr. Squatch Soap Co. and is selling her used bath water, in the form of a Bathwater Bliss bar, (whatever the fuck that is) it comes complete with a certificate confirming it’s made with the very water she bathed in, as well as some outdoorsy notes (whatever the fuck that means) in a nod to her Pacific Northwest roots? I guess a bunch of guys were messaging her asking for her dirty water? And this is why men suck. I’m sorry, but you’re all just gross! Gross! Gross! Gross!

Women can be gross too! Like BRIGITTE MACRON. Who was a 39-year old married mother of three, drama teacher, when she fell in love with her little 15-year old student Emmanuel. Gross! Did you see the way she Elaine Benes shoved him?

But she did it to his face! Oww! Abuse! Abuser! Clearly she’s a little Diddy! Gross!

And Finally…

So much TV to discuss and watch! Yay! I love you TV, you rock my world! Come here TV. I want to kiss you! Oh, let me wrap my arms around you TV you’re just so precious! Things I couldn't live without? Oxygen, food, TV, bed, and love. In that order! TV you’re in my top 3! Rockstar!

Okay, let's get into it! Sirens, stars Julianne Moore, Meghan Fehay, Milly Alcock and Kevin Bacon, on Netflix (watch here). I was excited for this one. The previews made it seem magical, mysterious, mystical, maybe crazy like The Stepford Wives… it's not. It’s literally just a five episode show about sisters. The writing in the first episode was so bad I was embarrassed, and wasn't sure if I would continue, and then I did, and it got so good! Great writing, great acting, just so fun, loved it! Five episodes and you’re done. And that’s it we’re good! Don't bring it back, we’re so good!

Sarah Silverman’s standup special PostMortem on Netflix (watch here). I finally watched and I LOVED! It’s not just funny, but relatable and very moving! It’s a little different than her usual shock vagina jokes comedy, and honestly, and I’m being VERY honest, I never was a real fan. Her baby voice was always a HUGE problem for me and standups about sex and private parts and anal, bore me. But after this special, I kinda fell in love with her. Give it a watch. Let me know your thoughts!

I owe The Studio a little apology. I really didn't like it, and found it ridiculous and yet I still watched and I’m glad I did, because the final two episodes were really good! You get to see a funny side to Zoe Kravitz and some other guest stars and Brian Cranston really can do no wrong. The guy is brilliant and the second I saw that he was on this show, I should have known to just be patient. There were truly a couple of laugh out line scenes. (watch here)

HBO’s Pee-wee as Himself, a two part documentary series on Pee Herman’s Paul Reuben. It’s fascinating and beautiful and he really was a genius and it’s so sad that he’s gone. This documentary is a great reminder of what a one-of-a-kind talent he truly was! (watch here)

Nine Perfect Strangers Season 2. So far two episodes are out and I’m enjoying just as much as I did the first season, once you get past Nicole Kidman’s face! Ouch! Her lips and mouth? Weird, but whatever, her choice!😬 Another great cast, and I have no idea what’s going to happen, and don't really care, it's just fun TV distraction from reality, which is such a gift right now, and why TV is in my top three of most important! (watch here)

I know I said I was going to write about how Hollywood is like high school this week, but I’ve been super busy working on a big expose on that topic, for The New York Times. Just kidding! The New York Times sucks. Just kidding, just sucks sometimes. I promise, next week I will get to it… And if you’re looking for a special gift, I’ll be gathering up my used bath water, and mixing it with my spit from brushing my teeth and bottling it up for you and your loved ones.

DM me for pricing!

Until next time folks!

And sorry you can't unread this! 😜

I Genuinely Want to Know

Leave Additional Feedback

So yeah, I was that bored watching half a second of basketball that an unimaginable chore felt more intriguing. Make it make sense? I can't. I’d rather watch an entire football game, love hockey, a snoozefest baseball game, even ten minutes of a soccer match, or fencing (just kidding) but seriously, the only basketball I can sit through is a three-pointer shot being thrown as the clock rings and everyone’s watching to see if it goes in and then the whole stand jumps up in excitement. Which is like half a second. So yes, I can watch half a second of basketball… Yay me! My eyes did perk up when they showed the celebs there.. Suddenly I’m interested.

But there were celebs not just at games this week, let's get into it!

Useless Thoughts

Emma Stone, Rihanna, Pedro Pascal, Halle Berry, Joaquin Phoenix, Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, Angelina Jolie, Dakota Johnson, Jennifer Lawrence, and of course a bunch of models strutting the red carpet at Cannes. Huge showing this year. Honestly I think the celebs just wanted to take a break from America. But it was DENZEL WASHINGTON who brought the American spirit to France. Screaming and fighting with photographers on the red carpet, appearing like a crazy fool. Yep, very American! Thanks Denzel for keeping our reputation intact!

Speaking of crazy, did y’all watch Trump’s meeting with SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT CYRIL RAMAPHOSA where he ambushed him with a propaganda filled video with skewed “evidence” that white farmers are facing genocide in the foreign nation? Ramaphosa insisted the videos were not government policy. Which means… this wasn't a government thing. So which of our idiot staffers edited and put together this bullshit video? I want to know, because you’re fucking fired! To the network that wants to produce Kristi Noem's gladiator citizenship competition show, I think you just found another hit series, Humiliated in the Oval Office. Four episodes already shot, with Zelensky😞, Ramaphosa😟, Netanyahu (U.S. will take over Gaza 🤯) and Canada’s Carney (Carney, “Canada is not for sale.” Trump, “Never say never”🤯) Kinda like a Curb Your Enthusiasm, with no script, just ad lib chaos. Maybe Trump will finally win that Emmy! Because we all know, ratings are more important than world peace.

While our heads were turned that way watching that stupid video and then swiveled this way to see a horrific shooting of an innocent young couple in love at the Capital Jewish Museum, THE HOUSE passed Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill,” which will lower taxes for the filthy rich. So, congratulations to y’all millionaires, the wins keep coming. And to the poor (me) loser status stands as is!

Speaking of Big Beautiful Bill…BELICHICK (73) just got engaged to his baby girlfriend. He thinks he’s clever, saving money, by not having to pay for a full time nurse? Yes 24-hour care is expensive but so are braces, college, keg parties and Brandy Melville. Which reminds me of a quote I just came up with…

She’s marrying you because you’re rich and old and soon you’ll be dead and your kids will be forced into litigation with a young twat that wants to go shopping!

— Me

And Finally…

Sarah Silverman’s new standup special Postmortem just dropped on Netflix. (watch here) I haven't seen it yet, but I’ll definitely check it out. What I did watch was her on Jimmy Kimmel Live promoting the special. Jimmy and Sarah dated for like seven years and seem to have a really comfortable friendship now with her current boyfriend even being a Kimmel Live staff writer. The interview was amazing. Watching their connection and respect was beautiful but…but but but if I was Jimmy’s wife Molly, who is head writer for the Kimmel show and stands with the audience during the airing of each episode, I would have been soooo jealous. Obviously she doesn't need to be, I mean she’s married to Jimmy, they're in love, they have a family, and Sarah’s boyfriend is there too, and they're all good friends and blah blah blah. Still…. I would not be able to control myself from feeling a little crazy inside. The way these two connected on stage, with familiar looks, and the eye contact, and the old stories of when they were a couple would have sent me reeling. I would have played it cool for a hot minute before I burned the whole place down. More proof that Hollywood is just High School, where you’re forced to be around all your exes all the time and “act” like that’s normal. Which I will get into in more detail – power point level - about so many other celebs in this exact situation for my next newsletter…So stay tuned!

Until next time folks!

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend!

And sorry you can't unread this!

I Genuinely Want to Know

Leave Additional Feedback

First load, my son’s ridiculously huge comforter. I stuff that thing into the washing machine, pushing the lid closed with all my might, I’m gonna get that fucker in no matter what. Got it!

Cut to, five minutes later, the whole house is shaking, the basement smells like burning rubber, my husband comes flying down the stairs screaming, “WTF!” We pull the insanely large comforter out of the machine, soaking wet, now weighing five million pounds and try to transfer it into a large contractor bag. As he holds the bag open, I try to move the comforter into the bag but can’t because I’m laughing too hard. My mouth wide open, shaking with hysterical glee at the absurdity of the situation, with him watching me all cranky contemplating divorce. We finally do it, and then drag the comforter like a dead body to the car and bring to a laundromat.

This week has been one long dirty laundry list, let's get into it….

Useless Thoughts

Let’s just start with DIDDY, to get it over with, because it’s so bad. Cassie, his ex, has been testifying in court this week, revealing the endless torture, beatings, and blackmail and it was beyond horrifying! The only takeaway, I can't believe how many people knew of his dreadful, sick twisted behavior and sat by and continued to celebrate and feed this monster. They should just give Puff Daddy the Menendez brothers’ sentence, lock him up forever, and set the heartbreaking sexually abused brothers, by their evil father (that they murdered, rightfully so) free! Bam! There! Fixed it!

Yesterday during a House hearing, ROBERT KENNEDY JR., America’s Health Secretary was asked hypothetically if he would vaccinate his children today for measles. He responded, and I quote, “Probably” but added, “I don't think people should be taking medical advice from me.” Hello??? But you’re the one in charge of health now you fucking useless piece of shit! Speaking of shit, he just took his grandkids swimming in fecal matter, literally. Submerged himself under water in D.C.’s Rock Creek despite a long-standing warning that high bacteria, infectious pathogens make swimming in this water a hazard to human health! Washington D.C has banned swimming there for over 50 years because of widespread contamination. Afterwards they ate hot dogs, Dachshunds he grilled on the barbeque, and then they went out to play kickball on the freeway. Later when he tucked them all into bed, he jumped in the middle, shirtless and in jeans, surrounded by precious little children with their innocent eyes blinking back at him, and with his famous soothing voice read them a bedtime story…Mein Kampf.

Original Sin, the new book from JAKE TAPPER, is an investigative account of PRESIDENT BIDEN’S decline, its cover-up, and his disastrous choice to run again, and why we now have to call the orange man POTUS again! Ugh! So annoying! We all knew this! All you needed was eyes and ears to know that Biden needed to sit this one out. I guess they were trying to do whatever it would take to save the world, ummm, country, but let's be honest, the world. They waited way too long to pull him. Where’s Biden now? Probably being tucked into bed by a shirtless RFK Jr. And where’s Trump? In the Middle East playing with his 400 million dollar Qatari airplane gift. Someone please wake me up when…actually don’t wake me, just call me Sleepy Julie.

Which reminds me of a quote…

The nicest thing for me is sleep. Then at least I can dream.

— Marilyn Monroe

When Homeland Security Secretary KRISTI NOEM isn’t shooting dogs (for RFK Jr’s dinner) or rounding up scared immigrants and deporting them to prisons, she’s coming up with horrible ideas! Ready? She’s pushing for a new reality T.V. show pitting immigrants against each other “for the honor of fast-tracking their way to U.S. citizenship.” I know the Maga party's fantasy is to go back in time, hate progress, science, human rights and dignity, I just didn't realize they meant far back like gladiator days? So yes, maybe Joe Biden was half asleep, forgetful and maybe even senile, but he still would have been better than this group of clowns. Never been a fan of clowns… or dog murderers.

Speaking of fans, never been one of SALMA HAYEK. She’s not a good actress. Sorry, but she’s not. She doesn't have a funny bone in her sexy little body. For some odd reason she’s always cast in comedies. Beautiful and annoying and never funny. And her friendships are just as odd as her zero comedic timing. Besties with Angelia Jolie and now Blake Lively, just as the news dropped that Blake threatened Taylor Swift to support her or else… I bet she has Amber Heard on speed dial and will be a future guest on Meghan Markle’s Netflix “cooking” show. Hold on! Duchess! Please for the people, have Amber, Blake and Angelina on your “cooking” show, a bake off, with Kristi Noem as the judge. Flour, Sugar and Sociopaths!

Speaking of gaggle of gals, KIM KARDASHIAN was just spotted in Paris with two famous Astronauts! Katy Perry and Lauren Sanchez. Doing the one thing Astronauts are more famous for than studying science or going to space…shopping at Hermes. Duh!

And Finally…

The remake of The Four Seasons (watch here). Who watched? I did! And you guys know I’m very honest and don't just follow what’s popular, so get ready….

First let me start with, I loved the original movie that Alan Alda wrote and directed! In fact, scenes from it still pop into my mind from time to time. The idea, the theme, the music, genius. Great film! Great cast. Now the remake… It felt like an extra long Hallmark movie but without a pretty cast. I’m sorry. You didn’t get the sense that they were really good friends. Did not feel it! The casting was really weird. I liked Tina, I love Steve Carrell but casting an over the top stereotypical gay couple was so disappointing. Yes, I get it, they wanted to make it more with the times, but taking away a hetero couple and replacing it with a gay couple, takes away the best part, which is two older women watching their friend dump their wife for a younger hotter version and the reality of what that really is like. And they changed the ending big time. Completely unrealistic, hence the Hallmark reference. Yes, I laughed sometimes, I mean how do you not laugh at Steve Carrell, and it was pleasant, and I was curious to see it all the way through and finish it, but I also couldn't wait to get on the phone with my friend to complain about it. I warned you! And they just announced season two. Not surprised, Hollywood can make wine out of nothing and will stamp a title on it and stream it for the masses that are so desperate for any content, even boring stupid shows that are disappointing for money. Yay!

Until next time folks…

And sorry you can't unread this!

I Genuinely Want to Know

What Did You Love (or Hate)?

You had me at two songs! I guess if you include Heart & Soul, that would make it three songs. Yes, I know my math skills are impressive, 2 +1 = 3 But it's really my piano skills that could fool you into thinking I’m super cool. Like many of you, I took piano lessons when I was little. I hated every second of it and didn't want to practice, but did practice enough to be able to, still to this day, play two songs (well three, with Heart & Soul). As I grew older, my favorite songs always ended up being the piano heavy songs and I spent years annoyed at my folks for letting me quit. Like it was their fault for paying for lessons that I didn't want to take or want to practice, but for some reason, believed they should have forced me to continue.

Now being a parent, and being on the other side, and having offered musical lessons to my kids when they were young, and both my boys said no thanks, and you're sure as shit right, that I wasn't going to force them and burn money so they could fool their friends at parties and play two songs. (definitely just two, Heart & Soul ended with GenX, unless of course it finds its way on a TikTok and makes a comeback)

I just have to laugh at myself now for putting any blame on my parents. How did I drag them into me being a little brat? And today, as I walk past my son’s room, and saw the electric keyboard that we bought him for Christmas, as a teenager, because he suddenly decided he wanted to teach himself how to play…two songs, I went in and sat down, blew off the dust and played my two songs. Then I googled on YouTube, how to play Joni Mitchell’s “River.” Sat there for a good five minutes, got bored and hungry. Went to the kitchen, made myself a sandwich, put on the TV and never thought about it again…

But there’s so much to think about, so let's get into it…

Useless Thoughts

TRUMP just said, “one of the most important announcements that have been made in many years about a certain subject, as big as it gets” is coming. This disclosure has created anticipation as Trump hinted that it will be a significant development, although he provided zero details. What do we think? Could it be we’re all really getting ten dolls for Christmas instead of just three? All I know is that he said it while sitting next to the new Prime Minister of Canada who looked dumbfounded, just like us. He said the announcement would be made either Thursday, Friday, or Monday, maybe Tuesday, possibly Wednesday? Personally, I think it will be on Never day.

The new Pope was just announced, an American, for the first time in History! Wow! He’ll be known as POPE LEO XIV from Chicago! His old tweets show he’s not a fan of deporting migrants to El Salvador or of MAGA! Phew! But what struck me most is that the Pope tweets! I mean… What a cutie! Is he also on TikTok? Instagram? Snapchat? Do you think he uses YouTube to learn piano?

Speaking of big head pieces, capes and grandeur, the MET GALA happened, and I’d just rather soon forget it. Each outfit was more annoying than the next. Celebs were hidden in boxes, rolled out of their hotels, costumes covered so no one could see their top secret madness until the big reveal on the red carpet. Knock knock! Who’s there? Me not answering, pretending not to be home, because I don’t want to see any of the influencer models nepo baby clown circus nonsense that the Met Gala has turned into. It’s just not impressive like it once was. Now it’s in the same lane as Katy Perry going to space…dumb! Make a right onto Absurd Boulevard, and a quick left at Stupid Street, and after the stop sign you’ll see Ridiculous Lane!

In no-one-asked-for-it news, HILARIA BALDWIN just dropped a new book! She’s claiming ADHD is the reason she goes between Spanish and English! I call bullshit! Or mierda de toro!

I’m so sick of people using mental health diagnosis as their excuse for being awful. Elon is Autistic, so that makes him cruel? Kanye is bipolar which makes him a Nazi. And now Hilaria has ADHD and this makes her a pathological liar?! For the love of gaslighting, just stop!! Going back n forth between languages certainly can be something peeps do, but claiming you’re Spanish and moved to America at 19, when in fact you’re American and raised in Boston Mass, with zero 23andMe, not even 1% Spanish DNA, is just fucking weird and a little sociopathic, don’t you think?

Speaking of blaming your parents for your own shortcomings, do you call your parents Mom and Dad? Or Mommy and Daddy? TRAVIS and JASON KELCE crack me up, on their recent podcast New Heights, (watch here) they were talking about their mother and Travis kept calling her Mommy and Jason kept calling him out for it. When referring to my own parents, I realized I call my Mother, Mom, and my father, Daddy! Our kids call us Mom & Dad. How about you? I think normally I'd raise my eyebrow if I saw a man call his mother Mommy, but for some unknown reason when Travis Kelce does it, I find it adorable? Make it make sense! I can’t! With Mother’s Day coming up on Sunday, I had to include a quote about Moms, or Mommies, or Mamas or Ma (like Rhoda would say)...

If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way Mom told you to in the beginning.

— Unknown

And Finally…

If you’re looking to be completely entertained from the moment you hit play, you want to laugh out loud and grin from ear to ear, then watch Conan O’Brien honored with the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, on Netflix (watch here) Wow! It was so good! John Mulaney, Adam Sandler, Stephen Colbert, Sarah Silverman, Andy Richter, Nikki Glaser, David Letterman, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog filled the show with brilliant speeches directed at the brilliant Conan O’Brien. Seeing him receive this well-deserved award felt really good. For two hours straight I forgot about everything wrong and sat back and enjoyed everything that is right, funny and was reminded how important it is to truly laugh at yourself and be as silly as possible! Happy Mother’s Day! Have a super silly weekend!

That’s all for now folks!

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But what I realized, there is no reason to save them, or to reread them. What’s the point? I’ve spent a lot of time looking back at my younger self, doing the work, forgiving and moving forward, so opening up this can of worms is pointless and now I think no one should save their journals, unless maybe you’re the Queen of England and they could be published. But me? You’re just left with a headache and a lot of unanswered questions and honestly shocked at your decision-making skills. So, from here on out, this car is only moving forward, not going in reverse and definitely not pulling over on the side of the road to reread my past. So, let's all move forward and get into what’s been going on this week….

Useless Thoughts

Speaking of throwing out garbage, TRUMP just ousted the National Security Adviser, Michael Walz (demoting him to U.S. ambassador to the UN). You know the fool who accidentally added The Atlantic journalist to the top-secret text chain about military plans, strike times, etc. Damn! I was hoping Stephen Miller was going to be the first to go. Creepy psycho who looks like Megamind, but who has no mind or empathy. No wait, I meant I was hoping it was Kennedy who’s putting all our health and children’s future at risk, was going to be ousted first. No hang on, I was hoping it would be Pete Hegseth, whose permanent expression is someone who is about to lose it in a bar fight and go nuclear. No, I wanted it to be Vance, who breaks everything he touches, from the football trophy, Zelensky’s spirit to the Pope! No! No! I was hoping it would be Trump who has made America crazy again. Blaming all his horrible decisions on everyone but himself. Which reminds me of a quote;

Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.

— Jim Rohn

Speaking of the Pope, LINDSAY GRAHAM tweeted, “I was excited to hear that President Trump is open to the idea of being the next Pope. This would truly be a dark horse candidate, but I would ask the papal conclave and Catholic faithful to keep an open mind about this possibility.”

Ummm…Hmmmm. What do the blackmail pictures that Trump has on Lindsay look like? I’m gonna guess, five dicks in his mouth? Not four, but five. What’s your guess?

CANDACE OWENS never shutting up about how the Jews run America. Sure Candace, all five of us! Literally she’s obsessed with Jews, like Lindsay with dicks, cant keep them out of her mouth! She should watch American Idol! Last week was “Faith” night and every song was about Jesus. And look, I get it, America is a Christian country. Cool. I accept it. It’s all good. But Candace needs to stop using Jews as her scapegoat to push her propaganda bullshit in hopes of a second Holocaust. Please for the love of whatever God you pray to, don't listen to Candace Owens ever. She’s truly the devil disguised in a beautiful head.

Speaking of the devil, RYAN REYNOLDS' receding hairline is almost worse than Angelie Jolie’s. And he’s turning orange, just like our orange king. He’s been running around with his insufferable wife, promoting her stupid film that no one is going to see, to prove that this lawsuit that THEY started is not bothering them and that they’re not psychopaths destroying innocent people’s lives. Don't they have four kids? Here’s an idea, instead of promoting some shitbag movie, why don't you guys hang out with your kids and be parents.

Speaking of nepo babies… It used to be that some celeb kids would follow their folks and get into the business, but now it seems like it’s a requirement. Literally they’re all giving birth to future influencers or models. Wouldn’t they want the opposite to happen? Like an old Jewish mother who hopes her children become doctors and lawyers. But no, now it’s like they encourage it, like Beyonce, who has her daughters as part of her tour, performing on stage, wiggling, dancing, singing? You’d think with the Diddy stuff and what she and JayZ have probably witnessed, the stage would be the last place you’d want your babes? They should take a cue from the Reynolds fam and ignore the kids and leave them home. Even better, they should do a Wife Swap. Remember that show? Two women from different backgrounds, trade homes and families for two weeks?! Now that’s a shit show I’d want a front row seat for! Bring on the crazy!

Speaking of delusional, MEGAN MARKLE was interviewed for a podcast yet again, and talked about, ta-da, Meghan Markle. Good news, she said she’s done proving what a great wife, friend, mother she is? Brilliant! Because no one cares. I’m not kidding when I say, no one is thinking about whether you’re a good wife. She said she set up an email for both her young kids, and she sends them emails every night, and will continue this until they’re 18, when she will then print them and gift them with these letters. Ummm that’s literally 6,000 emails for each kid. Knock knock. Who’s there? Hollywood, and they’re all fucking nuts!

And Finally…

Brett Goldstein, the genius writer and actor on Ted Lasso and the creator of Shrinking, just dropped a comedy special on HBO, and I loved it! He’s so funny and charming! It’s so fun, you will love it. I promise! I just saw paparazzi pics of him with Jlo filming a new movie, and already you can tell it will be adorbsies, because he has chemistry with whomever. You know who doesn't have chemistry and it's so strange and maybe you didn't notice, but Jon Hamm. I LOVE his new show Your Friends and Neighbors, love, but I did notice he doesn't have chemistry with any of the women in the show, and then I started thinking about his past stuff and it occurred to me, he never had chemistry with any of the women he has ever worked with. He’s handsome, tall, funny, a great actor and yet no chemistry? Maybe it’s just a me thing. Take a notice. See if you see? I’m curious what you think?

Until next time folks!

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We all had patience growing up, we just didn't know it. Like with a T.V. show, let's say The Brady Bunch, you had to wait each week for a new episode. But now with social media, 24 hour news channels, and streaming services where you can binge an entire series in one night, patience is almost an unnecessary virtue. I could binge the entire Brady Bunch series today if I wanted, but unfortunately I’m not eight years old anymore and smoking a cigarette while watching The Brady Bunch just feels wrong, and kind of pathetic honestly.

I will say that I’m kinda loving the way Apple TV+ is doing it old school and only releasing one episode of a series per week. Maybe the only connection to the past, where the whole world has to wait and experience it together and gives you something to look forward to. Looking forward to something is really the best part. I’m sure if they were to do a study, and scan our brains on Christmas Eve versus Christmas morning, the dopamine levels would be off the charts! Which reminds me of the famous quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson;

Life is a journey, not a destination.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s so true. So 2025, if you could do me a solid, and stop rushing the destination and let us all get back to enjoying the journey. What else is on the journey? Let's get into it…

Useless Thoughts

GYWNETH PALTROW says she’s “sick of the Paleo Diet and now eats a little pasta.” And to that I say, same! Not the Paleo Diet part, but eating pasta. Can't imagine my life without it. I love you pasta. You're my best friend!

Did you watch 60 Minutes about AI and robots and how they will have the same capabilities as humans and more in about ten years (watch here). I wonder what we’ll all be doing? I guess smelling the roses? But with climate change, and our obsession with killing the earth, will there even be any roses left to smell? We should all probably quickly smell them today. Speaking of roses, I just saw a bee in a flower, covered in pollen, looking like Al Pacino in Scarface. I love you bees, almost as much as pasta!

RIP POPE FRANCIS! What a sweet, humble Pope! Almost irreplaceable. Haven't watched the movie Conclave yet, but I’ve heard that’s what everyone should do, if you’re interested in the process of picking a new Pope. I sorta am, but also I’m guessing in ten years the Pope could be a robot Pope so…

DEMI MOORE named People Magazine’s World’s Most Beautiful! Love it! Love her! Don’t love the fact that she’s bought a bunch of new heads over the years. Getting the title after buying your face is kinda cheating, don't you think? It’s like an athlete being rewarded for winning while taking steroids. And no, I’m not going to pretend I love getting old, love my wrinkles and smile lines, because it represents a happy life! Wrong! It sucks! Absolutely fucking the worst looking in the mirror! Wonder if in ten years People Mag will start covering the most beautiful robots? 🤖 Or will they look the same, like the way people with plastic surgery do?

And Finally…

I was going to write about Pete Hegseth, Tulsi, Robert Jr. Elon, Marco, Linda McMahon, Stephen Miller and Karoline Leavitt (who might be the smartest one in the bunch, she’s so quick with her nastiness, you almost have to appreciate her brain), but I won't. It’s too depressing. It’s all too much! It’s shocking how bad it really is. If you want the best source for breaking news, follow Aaron Parnas on Instagram (here) on TikTok (here) and subscribe to his Substack (here) He’s truly amazing and gives updates all day, literally no patience required.

Until next time folks!

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Like I’ve said, I have eczema, and it was horrible and unmanageable when I was a kid. My most vivid Easter memory is, ta-da, the negative one. Trying to figure out all the things that made my eczema flare up, my Mom thought: maybe it’s milk chocolate. So, on that Easter, my little scratchy self ran down the stairs to a basket filled with jellybeans and a WHITE CHOCOLATE Bunny! I thought, what the hell is that? White chocolate (to me) has an aftertaste, like a diet soda, or a yogurt. I sat there depressed with my white bunny, unable to find the motivation to even hunt for eggs. Day ruined! Turns out I’m NOT allergic to milk chocolate and my thighs can prove that. But more importantly, Happy Easter!

And honestly with the world as of late, seeing Jesus resurrected wouldn’t even shock me. In fact, I could have sworn I saw him online at Trader Joe’s stocking up on the Mini tote bags that are back in stock. But besides Easter, what else is going on? Let's get into it…

Useless Thoughts

HARVARD is pushing back. Thank goodness someone has some balls! Harvard is not just the best college in America, but also the entire world. That’s why everyone on planet earth, from every country wants to come here and go to Harvard. The saddest part about all of this is not that Trump is pretending it's because of antisemitism, because if that were the case he would take on white supremacists and hate groups that are standing right in front of him, right beside him. We all know he just wants to stick it to the woke Left. The saddest part is EVERYONE loses, the Left and Right. Just cancer alone, we all know or love someone with cancer, whether Republican or Democrat. Harvard has the best scientists in the world, yes world, the best brains in the universe working on medical research, terminal illnesses and they’re literally saving lives for all. These folks are doing what private industries won’t do. Trump cutting off funding for cancer research, etc. to combat antisemitism makes zero sense, and is not true and it's upsetting. And yes, I’m really disappointed in the way these elite colleges have handled the disturbing protests, but this cancelling lifesaving research is the most devastating thing to come out of all of this. And today another mass school shooting. If he really wants to help our kids? Get rid of fucking guns! Upside down world! I’m done! 🤯

Speaking of space cadets, name a publicity stunt that horribly backfired? I’ll go first! Blue Origin launches ALL-FEMALE CREW into space! This might be the funniest story of the week. Not that they went to space. Not that it cost over 50 million dollars to send them to space for five seconds, but that it was the “astronauts” themselves that caused all of the backlash. All of their quotes about going to space, ready?

Gayle King, who took issue with people dismissing the mission manned by an all-female crew, calling it a mere “ride,” She said, “You never see a man, a male astronaut who’s going up in space and they say, ‘Oh he took a ride.’ It’s always referred to as a flight or a journey…I wish people would do more due diligence. And then my question is, have y’all been to Space?”

I have a rebuttal, Gayle! You’re not an astronaut. This isn't a male/female thing (nice try). And no, I haven't been to space and it’s not even on my list of things I care about. You know what is? Saving the Earth!

Katy Perry, “I feel super connected to love. I think this experience has shown me how much love is inside of you and how much love you have to give, and how loved you are until the day you launch.” Oh Katy, I have a rebuttal. Most people will never launch, so saying you’ll never know love until you launch, just makes me think you might not know what love is? Because it has nothing, and I mean nothing to do with going on Jeff Bezos’ penis rocket.

Lauren Sanchez said to the naysayers, “Trust me. Come with me to Blue Origin. I’ll show you what this is about, and it’s really eye-opening.” Lauren!!! I have a rebuttal! Originally, I assumed that the whole point of all of this was to educate us on space travel and why it's important for the planet and what goes into it and why we need it? But you forgot to show us that part. You all did. We saw nothing but flying hair extensions and sexy tight body suits. We learned nothing about the employees and what they do, and why they are doing this, so to us Earthlings it appeared to be just a “ride” into space. Yes Gayle, a ride!

Enough with the gaslighting. You know you did it just for your own personal pleasure, so just own it. Do I think they should all be cancelled like the internet wants? No! Who cares! Like all the memes say, let them eat cake, they’re all just ridiculous, harmless fools. 🚀

Speaking of ridiculous fools, TIME Magazine came out with their list of the 100 most influential people of 2025, and just like that, all credibility that TIME might have had to represent the press, and the importance of real news, and true reporting, just blew up like a spacecraft engineered by astronauts Gayle & Katy. With Blake Lively and Meghan Markle on top of their 100 list? Printing content paid by celebrities is embarrassing. Especially when we finally have some Republicans being honest, like Lisa Murkowski, telling a room full of Alaska nonprofit leaders, discussing the nightmare tariff situation that she’s “oftentimes very anxious about using my voice, because retaliation is real.” That’s why we need TIME Magazine to ONLY tell us the truth, to only report the REAL news, true journalism, now more than ever and not fill our Easter baskets with a bunch of bullshit.🐰

Which reminds me of a quote;

We don't go into journalism to be popular. It is our job to seek the truth and put constant pressure on our leaders until we get answers.

— Helen Thomas, long-serving member of the White House press corp

And Finally…

If you’re not watching Your Friends and Neighbors on Apple TV+ (watch here) you should start now. A dark comedy! So glad to have a new show! It's so delicious! Nothing better than watching a show that makes fun of the country club elite while we’re simultaneously watching a bunch of Marie Antoinettes going to space? Love having Jon Hamm back on my screen. The whole cast is great. It’s a billion times better than The Studio, which was touted as the funniest show of the year? Hunh? How is that possible when it's really not? But watch a couple of the episodes of Your Friends and Neighbors and let me know what you think. And please take care, it's really crazy out there. I mean I thought it was crazy last time Trump was potus, but this time it’s CRAZY, all caps with a hundred exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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When I was younger and would see a spider on my bedroom wall, I’d smash it with a shoe before it could crawl into my mouth while I slept or worse, kill me. As time went on, I realized you don't have to kill insects ever; just catch them and take them outside. Which I do all the time and can't believe that me, Julie, had ever killed anything. I’m so ashamed. So yesterday, I’m in the kitchen making my mango salsa; mango, red onion, cilantro, lime juice and a little salt & pepper. It's so good. Addicting! I cut up my mango and then was washing the cilantro when I noticed an ant. A tiny, itty-bitty ant. Without even thinking I smooshed it with my finger. And the guilt set in. I wondered why was there an ant on the counter? It wasn't ant season yet. Then it occurred to me, the ant must have come out from the cilantro bag. This little ant, had survived all this time, ripped from its family on some farm, put on a truck, traveling for miles, brought to a Trader Joes, and then to my fridge, surviving the cold until finally seeing the sunlight shine through my kitchen windows and escaping on to my countertop, finally free! I stopped everything. Stopped making my salsa and just felt really depressed at my impulse, my action, my murder.

And this is why I try to stay away from the headlines, because if you're anything like me, sensitive to others' pain, it’s become unbearable. EVERYTHING hurts! So today let's instead lean into the absurd and silly and keep it lite and short! Sugar Free!

Useless Thoughts

MICHELLE and BARACK are getting divorced! False! Fake news! Michelle just debunked it and was like, sorry we’re not making out in front of y’all at all times, but we’re good. And what grown adults make out in public, besides Angelina Jolie and her brother or Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban? If you are, you’re just putting on a show? Not sure what the title of this show is, but I won't be streaming it!

Yippee, the Shock Market crashed again all because of TRUMP’S grand plan. Just kidding, he has no plan. His plan is not having a plan. His words have no meaning. His thoughts have no brain. His heart has no love. He’s literally the cast of The Wizard of Oz mushed up into one bigly orange ball. No brain, no heart, no courage and America doesn't feel like home anymore? If only we could wake up from this nightmare and realize it was all just a dream.

Which reminds me of a quote;

My goodness, what a fuss you're making! Well naturally, when you go around picking on things weaker than you are. Why, you're nothing but a great big coward!

— Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz

Speaking of flying monkeys, The White Lotus finale, no monkeys were involved in any of the deaths. What did you guys think? Were you satisfied with the ending? I think I was. I was really sad about Chelsea and Rick, but was so relieved that the kid didn't die. If Lochlan Ratliff had died I would have been pissed. I know, I know they’re not real people and it's just a TV show, but if you’re going to make me invest weeks of my life, falling for these folks, I don't under any circumstances want to see a child die. I read some angry comments about wanting to see the Ratliff family's reaction to now being poor, or being disappointed in Gaitok for going against his own morals, but honestly that’s reality, and it happens everyday. I was satisfied and am already looking forward to Season 4! Bring it!

And Finally…

Are you watching The Studio on Apple TV+ (watch here)?

I am. I love insider shows, behind the scenes shows and this show is fun. But, but, but, but it's just okay. Each episode is very similar, the theme of every episode is the same, how are we, all awful horrible people going to get out of a situation, by making a deal with the devil (themselves) and they do. They get out of each headache by creating a temporary relief, which will ultimately create a bigger migraine in the next episode that they need to relieve. I guess the real point of the show besides being silly, is that Hollywood is horrible. EVERYONE is horrible. There is not one redeeming character. Usually shows where the cast are all bad folks, you can usually find a few that are truly good people, like say a VEEP or The Sopranos (brilliant shows by the way, so much so, that you actually care about the bad people and want them to survive? I don't know how they do it, but they do) but this cast of characters are all terrible and you don't care if they all fail. In fact that would be a clever arc, that they all do in fact fail, they all die in like a Tsunami. A Tsunaaaami Piper! But I’m going to keep on watching, cause that’s what I do. I watch! I cringe! I cover my eyes! And then I do it all over again!

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Just writing the word bathroom makes my bladder fill up! TMI? Maybe? But isn't 2025 all about too much information? In fact, TMZ should change their name to TMI! I have five seconds before I have to go to the bathroom again, so let's get into the TMI…

Useless Thoughts

How did y'all spend your Liberation Day? You know Wednesday, the day TRUMP announced the Tariffs, calling it Liberation Day? Don't look at me, he’s the one who said it! I celebrated by watching the stock market crash, and my 401(k) whittled down to almost nothing! Psyche! Just kidding, I already used up my 401(k)! Ha ha jokes on you Trump, I’m already poor and have no money or hope!😩

Influencer MEGHAN MARKLE’S shop is now open! And she’s already sold out of her $28 jars of honey, $14 jams, $12 teas and $15 dried flowers within an hour. But the skeptics out there are claiming it's Limited Edition, meaning not many products were available, like maybe five jars? Who knows? I do know she’s very tricky with her words, for instance she did a post celebrating, in shock and happiness, that her Netflix show was picked up for a second season, when in reality it was already shot and contractually built in. All this tells me that Meghan is really good at tricking people, using “alternate facts.” So, it turns out she really is good at something…being a spin doctor! 🎼 Little miss little miss can’t be wrong!🎼

JUSTIN BIEBER needs help! Watching him crashing on TikTok is so depressing and it's so obvious he’s screaming for help! I fear he’s going to hurt himself. Between Selena Gomez’s new love album and the Diddy stuff, which one could only imagine the trauma he suffered as a child under Diddy’s roof, with no parent there to protect his innocence, makes it super sad! I know he’s an adult now and a father, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he’s seriously F’d up and needs help! I don't want to read some heartbreaking headline when we’re all aware right now. Someone, anyone swoop in, please, before it's too late! 😢

Speaking of crashing on TIKTOK…Supposedly TikTok is being shut down in a couple of days, and maybe that’s a good thing. Like I’ve written before, TikTok is a drug! Just as bad as a needle you inject, or a pipe you smoke. It robs you of your day, your life. It’s as addicting as crack! Just one hit and you’re hooked! Once you start, you can't stop. The minute you put your phone down, your body feels like it’s in withdrawal, you begin to shake, you need it, so you pick your phone back up and boom, just like that five hours are gone and you’ve accomplished nothing and you’re left with only shame and depression. Which reminds me of a quote;

Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside.

— Unknown

And TikTok is free. You don’t need money, you don't need to lie or steal to get your drug. The only stealing happening is my one and only precious life. So go, go away TikTok. You’re tick- tocking the hours away. Go!

Speaking of wasting time, ELON MUSK, maybe, hopefully, is finally going away and is being pushed out of his role of ruining working Americans’ lives. Here’s a funny story. Remember when we were like Elon’s a genius, the richest man in the world?! He invented electric cars? Nope! He just bought Tesla. He invented Twitter? Nope, just bought it and turned it into a cesspool of proud flamboyant antisemitism and racism. Maybe he invented spaceships, nope, he just buys them. So, what did this genius inventor make? Nothing. Turns out he’s not a scientist, not an inventor of anything! He’s definitely very rich, but so is Putin, and so was Jeffrey Epstein. And just like TikTok, he’s wasting our time and ruining our lives, and needs to go away! Go!

Speaking of geniuses, I just watched CHELSEA HANDLER’S stand up special, The Feeling on Netflix (watch here) and it was so damn funny! I’m constantly forgetting how much I love her, because her online persona can be annoying and aggressive, and then I see her standup and I’m reminded that she is truly the real deal. It’s not just another stand up special, it’s quality material un like, ugh I hate to put down women, so I won’t say her name but it rhymes with Mamy Schmumer, whose last few standups I had turn off because she forgot to make them funny. That’s right I said it! But back to Chelsea, the first 20 minutes of her stand up is a lot to take in, but it gets real good quick! Stay with it!

And Finally…

WHITE LOTUS FINALE! WHITE LOTUS FINALE! Who is going to die? How many people will die? How will they die?! Ahhhhh I can't take it. The show is such a slow burn! At first, you’re like it's almost boring, and then by the time it’s near to being over, I feel like I can't live without it and I’m devastated that it's ending! Living for Sunday and also don't want it to come because it's all over! So now until Sunday, with the news aside, it kinda feels like Christmas Eve. What present will be under the tree? Honestly, I don't want anyone to die. But I think I feel that way every season. Last week's episode when Laurie (Carrie Coon) was in bed with the Russian, and he turns to her and asks for money, and then she climbs out the window… dying, so funny, so good!! Another genius cast for the books! And Sunday, another season for the books! I love you Sunday! I hate you Sunday! Awww Sunday, don't let me down!

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No one was more annoyed about the masked protesters disrupting the college campuses than me. I felt helpless watching these kids block Jewish kids from entering buildings. Cease fire! Yes! End the war! Yes! Of course! But the misinformation was exhausting. You didn't need to add lies to your cries. The truth of the situation was bad enough. Death is bad enough! Anyway, my point is, even as I sadly watched as classes got cancelled and the colleges forced these kids to finish their school and semesters online, after already having just gone through that with Covid, instead of just dismantling the tents, I still believe in free speech and that “peaceful” protests are crucial, and what makes America, America! No one should be arrested, deported unless you’ve actually committed a crime, and an opinion is not a crime. Just like Kanye West, who sells swastika tee shirts, and is not in jail, because it’s not a crime to sell hate! Just like spitting on a poster of an innocent kidnapped baby is not a crime. It sucks! It really sucks, but it’s not a crime.

When the kids refused to vote for Kamala, calling Biden, Genocide Joe, I knew this was a HUGE mistake?! We begged them to stop. We knew the alternative was going to be way worse and scary. And here we are today watching Marjorie Taylor Green fighting Elmo on capitol hill. And let's be honest, NPR and PBS did go way woke. It was too much. They needed to dial it back a bit. But defund them?! INSANITY!

Marjorie Taylor Green, who famously wore a free speech mask, wants to cut funding for PBS because of their free speech?! What a joke! What a hypocrite! Sesame Street needs to make a MAGA Muppet and call him Cuckoo! Cuckoo the Muppet! He’s offensive and silly but he still wants to play in the sand box with the other Muppets (until he gropes Miss Piggy). Let MAGA feel represented on PBS. We’re the party of inclusion. So, let's include. It’s the way it needs to be right now. Seriously whatever it takes to get through these next few years.

There’s so much cuckoo out there, let's get into it!

Useless Thoughts

Did you see the video of Homeland Security Secretary and famous dog killer KRISTI NOEM, with her plastic surgery head, hair extensions, big lips, and Rolex watch, standing in front of a cage full of human beings? I felt like I was watching The Real Housewives of Evil. It was truly horrifying. (watch here) I can’t believe fifty percent of Americans who voted chose this. Sometimes I’m just so embarrassed to be a human being. I can’t believe Kristi and I are the same species.

Which reminds me of a quote;

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

— Mark Twain

How about the exposed text chain from the wack pack, HEGSETH, WALTZ, VANCE, GABBARD and Cuckoo Muppet about the strikes in Yemen? Just another example of why I’m still pissed at James Comey. Had he not intercepted Hillary Clinton’s win, America would have continued to move forward, instead of backwards and we’d have adults running the country and not dumb dumb frat boys! Meanwhile across the aisle I’m hearing rumblings of a Sanders/AOC 2028 ticket! No thank you! Please stop! Just no! We need literally the opposite. We need to dismantle the squad, who has completely ruined the Democratic party and turned it into something I don't recognize. Give me Josh Shapiro and Pete Buttigieg. Let's start there.

BEN AFFLECK doing a photoshoot for GQ after walking away from his 24/7 photoshoot marriage to JLO is comical. I assumed he wasn't a fan of her endless social media and all the attention, but I guess I was wrong. These fashion pics are ridiculous, and so not him. It would have been so much cooler if he had instead recreated the memes of himself, like the classic of him standing outside the door smoking. They could have done cool sweaters and a jeans story, where to shop! Should have hired me GQ! I keep it real.

Speaking of embarrassing, everyone just found out that RYAN REYNOLDS forced his seven-year-old daughter to say the line: “Hey when I want your opinion, I’ll take Wolverine’s dick out of your mouth.” He cast his child in Deadpool & Wolverine. In an interview Ryan admitted that the second grader was not comfortable with delivering the line and didn't want to say it, so he told her if she didn’t, he would replace her, so she gave in, and they proceeded to have her say 500 versions of the line before they liked it. Annnnd with that story I need to check the sociopath box on my ‘Reasons I Can’t Stand Ryan Reynolds’ list. Let me just add the check ✔️ and yeah, can we cancel him now please!

Meanwhile I was thinking about Ryan’s crazy wife and how she just took over the film It Ends with Us and lit it on fire and was suddenly grateful that Blake hasn't been cast in anything I love! She ruins everything she touches. Just Imagine? Here’s a glimpse of what that would have looked like…

Let’s remember to just be grateful for the small wins!

And Finally…

Obsessed with Selena Gomez’s new album with fiancé Benny Blanco. (listen here) Never listened to Selena’s old music, and honestly I doubt that I would have been a fan, but these new songs, I can’t get them out of my head. They’re really pretty! I’m so happy for her that she has Benny professionally and personally. He seems to really love her and treats her the way she and every girl deserve to be treated! I keep seeing all these TikToks about Justin Bieber, I don't know anything about any of that, and I don't care. I just know that after watching her documentary by director Alek Keshishian (same director of Madonna’s Truth or Dare doc), it's very clear that Selena is an incredibly empathetic soul who cares about everyone. She’s truly a billionaire to love..

Until next time folks!

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Now scrolling and between diagnoses, gossip, and crazy politics, there's a lot to discuss, let's get into it…

Useless Thoughts

Actress CATE BLANCHETT suggested that the Oscars go back to the days when it wasn't televised. With now the lip readers, etc. “It would be nice if the awards happened behind closed doors and just have a great party where people can just let go.” To quote Warren Beatty speaking about Madonna from the incredible documentary, Truth or Dare, “She doesn't want to live off camera, much less talk. There’s nothing to say off-camera. Why would you say something if it's off camera? What point is there existing?” Exactly! They want to be seen! Look, if celebs don't want to be photographed or talked about, it's really simple, just don't go where the cameras are. Trust me, the paparazzi are not hiding in Cate Blanchett’s bushes trying to catch her taking out her recyclables, so you might want to go to an award show if you want to be seen!!🤪

TRUMP looks at other countries like they’re pussies. He’s just gonna grab ‘em. While sitting with LAURA INGRAHAM, wait, sorry, excuse me, I need to throw up, give me a second, ugh this happens every time I say Laura Ingraham’s name, I projectile vomit, hang on 🤮, okay! Anyway, so Laura Ingraham, oops sorry, hang on, 🤮. How bout I just say LI when referencing Laura Ingraham, ugh, here it comes, one sec, 🤮 OKAY! So, LI was interviewing Trump about Canada and he wouldn't stop saying that he wants it. Shockingly, LI even tried to get him to stop saying it and bring him back to reality, but he kept pushing, and it was then that I realized, countries are just BIG pussies to him, and you grab them! Can you imagine if Obama said grab ‘em by the pussy? Sit in that thought for a moment. 🤔

Speaking of pussies, and I’m not a fan of the word, or saying or writing it, but I need to for this joke, so bear with me...Women are having labia puff surgeries. A cosmetic procedure that involves injecting fillers or fat in the labia majorca to restore volume and a more youthful appearance.🤯 Never gonna happen! You know what? Just cheat. Cheat on me with a young labia! I’m good.

Speaking of puffy labias, HILARIA BALDWIN the insufferable mother of Alec’s eight future influencers, and all the shit Alec’s caused, I’d say he’s gotten his karma. He married his Karma, his Karmalita! Have you seen the clip of her cutting him off on the red carpet? (watch here) She claimed that’s just them and their funny banter? Except there was no funny part. She’s about as funny as a stick you’d find in your backyard. Actually, a stick (a palo) has a better personality. So, if you’re worried he’s not getting his due, just listen to her for five minutes, and you’ll see the pain and suffering, that isn't just showing up on his face, but his entire life! 🤡 Which reminds me of a funny quote:

Sweetie I’m not laughing at your bad luck, I’m merely cheering on Karma for doing such a great job of biting you in the ass…that’s totally different.

Glamour magazine editor STEPHANIE MCNEAL is getting called out for her hit piece on Moms! Blaming the death of #metoo on women defending Justin Baldoni. The irony that she wrote an entire article attacking women and left out the part that these Moms she speaks of have spent the past year pouring over documents, texts, lawsuits, doing the work, looking at the proof and receipts, proving with evidence their conclusions, while excluding any research, proof or receipts, or any research on her own findings?! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE! I get why she can't write a negative article about Blake. I worked at Glamour Mag for a billion years, and you’re not allowed to write negatively about celebrities, ever. Meaning, every article is just a bunch of bullshit. But what I don't get is why you’d come after non celeb women and mock them? For what purpose? If you’re not allowed to play in the game, don't attack the players who are doing the work! And I’ll say it one last time, you can't say, believe all women, and then exclude Marjorie Taylor Green, or Laura Ingraham 🤮 and their puffy labiums. Marjorie, Laura, Hilaria & Blake are all pathological psychos! Here’s an idea, stop saying blanket statements like, believe all women, and instead, just believe people with proof and receipts! Enough already! ✌️

Speaking of a woman I believe, the more I read about and watch AMANDA SEYFRIED, the more I fall in love with her! She just did a Vogue Mag video speaking all about her skin routine. But this wasn't another blah blah boring I use this, and this and this, blah blah Zzzz!! But instead she spoke about her eczema! I swear to God Amanda and I are the same person! We both have eczema, we both, um, hmm, we both, uhh, umm, can see that she’s a beautiful, young, blonde, rich, musically talented, genius, famous actress. Seriously twins! 👯

And Finally…

Season finale of Severance! AHHHHHHHH! So excited! I can't believe we’re getting the answers to all our questions. But I’m no dummy and know for every question we get answered there will be fifty more questions thrown at us! That’s how these shows work! That’s what makes them so fun! That’s why a cliffhanger is called a cliffhanger, cause you’re literally hanging off a cliff and that’s exciting and scary and like everything in life, we’re just going to want more more more! And with social media like YouTube and TikTok who keep you engaged in Severance with their endless theories, which just adds to the suspense and confusion. It’s like hanging from a cliff and being tickled. Tickle tickle tickle Ha ha ahhh stop, wait keep going, no stop! No wait, give me more, give me give me give me! Hopefully they're filming season three as I’m writing this. Give me give me give me!!!

Until next time folks!

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You can’t make this shit up! This is now America, where disdain for former hosts of the The View is the number one thought, and lives rent free (free? shocking) in Trump’s brain, and blowing your 401(k)s and cutting Medicare is a distant second. Wait I’m wrong, there’s actually one thing even more important to Trump than Rosie… taking away food from hungry kids. The USDA just cut more than $1 billion in school lunches, and food banks. Let me just adjust his priority list…

Trump’s Priorities:

1) Taking food away from children
2) Hating Rosie
3) Blowing up your retirement

More chicken McNuggets for him! I guess he sleeps like a baby knowing babies are going to sleep starving. Please make it make sense, I know I can’t. I can't make sense of so much stuff, let's get into it…

Useless Thoughts

Knock Knock! Who’s there? MEGHAN MARKLE with a new podcast! Nooo! Why is she being forced down our throats?! No one asked for this! No one, except maybe H. After her previous podcast interviewing successful women about their success was cancelled, she’s now come up with a newer idea. Ready? Confessions of a Female Founder! Interviewing business women about building their brands. Did you just do a double take? Me too! So basically, it's the same thing, just rebranded. Like when you buy Doritos, and it says with big letters, NEW Look, but inside the bag, the same exact cheesy triangles are staring back at you. People ask me, why do you hate her? I don't hate her, I just think she’s ridiculous. Sorry not sorry! 😜

Knock Knock! Who’s there? White Lotus star Aimee Lou Wood and her real teeth! I love them! I love her! I love that she hasn't played with her smile and just looks like a normal, genuine soul. EVERYONE in Hollywood has gotten their teeth ripped out and veneers put in, which ultimately changed the shape of their face and has taken any individualism from their existence.

People you don't even think would ever do such a silly thing, have. Even Meryl Streep, whose original teeth I loved! Here are just some samples of folks who had the most unique, beautiful smiles I would have killed to be born with, and they tore ‘em out for veneers! Traumatizing!

Knock Knock! Who’s there? A young, entitled brat named RACHEL ZEGLER. The star of Snow White. Rachel has caused havoc on the set with her endless complaining about the original animated film, that she didn't create, write, or conceive, but wanted to change and make it some woke disaster, without a prince, while simultaneously protesting and screaming From the River to the Sea! This 23-year-old American actress feels she has the answer to the problems in the Middle East and that is to get rid of Israel. With zero skin in the game and while working with her co-star Gal Gadot, who is actually Israeli, and served in the Israeli army, Rachel Zegler believes she knows more. AGAIN, MAKE IT MAKE SENSE! If she hated the original animated Snow White, why did she take the role? For what purpose? I know a billion, yes, a billion actresses who would have loved to star in the Disney classic. I feel so sorry for Gal Gadot who sat by quietly watching this idiot child questioning her right to exist?! Gal, how dare you get to live? How dare you! 😞

Knock Knock! Who’s there? NIKKI GLAZER! Just signed on to host the 2026 Golden Globes! Woohoo! She was the best! Flawless! Her timing, and jokes were brilliant. Could not have loved her hosting skills more! Honestly I wish she would just host everything, I mean everything. Award shows, Game shows, Presidential debates, Roasts, Spelling Bees, The Bachelor, Meghan Markle’s podcast, just do it all!

Knock Knock! Who’s there? The sun! Finally! DAYLIGHT SAVINGS! Maybe the only thing Democrats and Republicans fully agree on, making Daylight Savings permanent. Keep it light as late as possible. Trump could make this happen! He could have one of those moments where he picks up his big boy pen and signs the document in front of the press and everyone would cheer. Literally everyone!

Which reminds me of some funny daylight savings quotes”

It’s National “How Do I Change the Clock on my Microwave” Day!

The hour I lost today was the hour I was planning on going to the gym. Darn.

Yes! It’s Daylight Saving Time. The clock in my car will finally be correct!

Hello Darkness, my old friend. Soon you’ll be here at 4pm.

And Finally…

There’s a bunch of new TV coming soon, and I’m so excited. We’re going to have to wait because they’re not dropping yet, but a sneak peek incoming….

Seth Rogen’s The Studio Hollywood satire show, yes please!! March 26th on Apple TV+ Watch the trailer

Black Mirror, Season 7. Yes yes yes (Meg Ryan harry met sally) yes! April 10th on Netflix Watch the trailer

But for now, I’m living for my Severance and The White Lotus. I heard Mike White, the creator of The White Lotus, told the cast that plays the family, to watch the folks on Southern Charm in order to be able to emulate them. And I don't know what it is, but there is something gnawing at me, telling me that he told Michelle Monaghan to watch clips of Gwyneth Paltrow. I could be wrong, but, knock knock! Who’s there? It’s me silly, and I think I'm right!

Until next time!

And sorry you can't unread this!

I Genuinely Want to Know

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